Rated "C" for Chastity

In which we shall see: NOTHING AT ALL IF YOU ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO TALK ABOUT CHASTITY, CHLAMYDIA, PAPER DOLLS, WHITE ELEPHANTS, DECADENT DESSERTS, JAKE GYLLENHALL, AND LOTS OF THINGS ABOUT WHICH VERY DIRTY JOKES COULD BE MADE (ALTHOUGH THEY WEREN'T, 'CAUSE WE DON'T ROLL LIKE THAT - JUST SLIGHTLY SMUDGED), OR ANYTHING YOU MIGHT HAVE TO ASK A PARENT TO DESCRIBE/DEFINE. (Seriously, that can be embarrassing for some parents. Good for them to deal with, but awkward.) ALSO, THE FUNNY. IN GENERAL, THERE WILL BE TOO MUCH INFORMATION. JUST SO YOU KNOW.

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(Are you old enough to read this? STOP NOW IF YOU'RE NOT.)

(Are you SURE?)

(OK, then.)

Last weekend, I attended the first annual (Bi-annual, if we get really lucky) Chastity Celebration, "White Knuckles and Chocolate." It was EPIC. It all started with some pithy and insightful commentary posted to a friend's blog. It is SO TRUE. And because it is so true, Tara and Mr. B decided to get some action, er, take action and create a truly motivational reward for those of us that have, indeed, been chanting "Chastity is my favorite" for more years than any of us really want to count.

The set-up was very specific - attendees were asked to 1) be living a chaste life (the policy, naturally, was "Don't ask, don't tell - LET IT BE UPON YOUR OWN CONSCIENCE"), 2) bring a delicious and/or decadent dessert, chocolate encouraged (there was even a reminder notice sent out that strongly discouraged anyone from "cheating" by bringing, say, snack-size candy bars or even shopping at all for the party at Wal-mart), 3) bring a "chastity token", some reminder or representation of this great law under which we labor that would be used for a "white elephant"-style exchange, and 4) be prepared to creatively express feelings about chastity in both a Chastity Belt Design contest (paper dolls, markers, crayons, etc... were provided) and a Reflections-style contest to which poetry, essays, artwork, etc... could be submitted. (Married people were not invited - not because they aren't chaste, but because they are having sex. Consideration has been given to someday holding a "Fidelity" party, but that may depend upon the rate of engagements that result from the Chastity Celebrations.)

The desserts were staggering. Literally. From Oreo Truffles (*drool*) to chocolate-dipped strawberries, cookies and fudge cake and coconut surprise* (oh, my!), there were enough calories on that table to beef up a very small third-world country. I contributed Dump Cake** (cherry), on the rationale that sometimes, in order to preserve chastity, one has to "dump" whomever one is dating. Or so I've heard. Anyway, the dessert was luscious and actually refreshingly non-chocolate.

Dress code note: there wasn't one (a dress code) since we were all about the chastity and really didn't need to set one up. In the spirit (?) of things, however, I wore a long jacket that I have in my costumes that has an odd, hippie-esque pattern. My reasoning was that the pattern was vaguely viral, and therefore resembled VD (not that I would know. It was a GUESS). In wearing the jacket to a Chastity Party, I was saying, "Thanks to chastity, this is the closest I'll ever get to VD!" (*rimshot*) It seemed funnier in person. Also, I wore my glasses all night as a tribute to Marilyn Monroe in How to Marry a Millionaire: "Men aren't attentive to girls who wear glasses." Maybe I've been wearing INVISIBLE glasses all these years - felt, but not seen.

The token exchange was next - we almost (ALMOST) burned off all the calories we'd consumed, we were laughing so hard. Highlights included: a metal frame with the letters H-O-P-E across the top, featuring a picture of Jake Gyllenhall - it would have been a hot-potato gift except that the girl who opened it had to leave early and took off before anyone (me) had a chance to steal. (I might be getting one for Christmas. Fingers crossed.) An egg timer. A nutcracker. An (ironically) un-opened Sheri Dew (?) cassette tape of a talk on chastity. A stuffed chlamydia microbe!!!!. (Genius! "I went to a chastity party and I got Chlamydia!") Pants. ("If you're wearing pants, you're not having sex!" "Ahhhhh.") Several dollar-store dolls, fitted out with chastity belts. Gigantic lavender granny panties.

A commemorative Finding Nemo tin.

Us: ???

Her: You've got to be careful to protect your little swimmers!

Us: *collective aneurysms from gasping in all the air in the room, and then exploding in astonished laughter*

Skipping ahead - the Chastity Belt dolls were fabulous, with Poison Ivy (ouch!) taking the win and my own "Roseanne Arnold in Disguise" coming in second. As promised, there were commemorative wooden crafts - my "trophy" was a tole-painted bear with a card reading "Bear Hugs - but only while standing up." The Reflections entries were also fascinating - several semi-poetical pieces talked about the virtue or the difficulty of living a chaste life, and one very direct work was a drawing on someone's Iphone of a girl with hairy legs. (See: Return to Me.) The winning item was simple and expressive - a picture of some minor celebrity lounging poolside with the caption: "Chastity is... a bitch." Too, too true.

Pictures, and then we hold out for another year!

I got chlamydia, and then gave it to someome else. *sigh*

My Reflections entry... hey, at least the syllables are right!

"Congratulations! You did it! (By not doing it.)"

Nick tries out his Chastity Token.

Read Tara's account here.

*The surprise is that there's no coconut.

** Easiest recipe EVER.

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In a related note, I have drama herpes - or, as it's also called, "glitter". I am absolutely covered with the stuff - at work today I started making a couple of head wreaths and the leaves and flowers were coated with glitz to start with. Tomorrow I finish putting them together and THEN add even more crystals - I'll be picking glitter out of my hair and teeth for Valentine's Day. (It's good to already have plans, I suppose.)

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In non-chastity related news, I watched "Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail; The Play" with some girls last night - and holy cow, Miss Ella wasn't the only one having impure thoughts about a cross. CRIKEY.