Fashion History Horror Story

Did you know that nearly everything women wear regularly was first worn by men? It's true. Lace, tights, earrings, makeup, high-heeled shoes (the brassiere is pretty much the only exception). How times have changed... now it seems that men are taking their fashion cues from women.

I speak, of course, of the evil that is "skinny jeans".

For about the last hundred years most men would rather run naked through the street than wear tights, and yet every other twenty-something you see these days (OK, "I" see - admittedly, London might be a little different trend-wise than where you're at... SO BE WARNED, IT'S COMING) has got his legs strapped into painted-on denim. Can male jeggings be far behind? My eyes are shuddering just thinking about it. Skinny jeans don't actually help anyone - they look OK on a very few women, but that's because those women have "ideal" figures anyway. They don't hide what ought to be hidden, they don't lengthen, they don't support, they have no societal productivity. They're just mean. Indifferent, since they're jeans, but still mean by default.

So when did men decide this was a good look to emulate? At best, a man in skinny jeans is some dude looking for his doublet and sword, at worst he's doing a flamingo impression or resembling a chain of really hefty sausage links (depending on which end of the 'build' range he's inhabiting). Jeans are supposed to be our 'comfort' clothes, that item in your closet that goes with anything and makes you look and feel good. It's impossible to look or feel good about a piece of clothing with a built-in InstaWedgie (patent pending).

I do have to admire the ingenuity with which some men have managed to avoid the IW and simultaneously create an even more unflattering silhouette than the skinny jean - I speak, of course, of the unholy union between skinny jeans and saggy skater's pants (culturally translated as 'skater's trou' over here, 'across the pond'). I'm pretty sure somebody sacrificed a goat for this trend, because how else can you explain men wearing something that gives them cankles from their feet to their thighs AND makes them look like they've accidentally fallen into their big sister's denim mini? There's not a woman alive who wouldn't run shrieking from the dressing room after seeing that devilish combination obliterating her body. But they're slouching all over the streets of London (not moving very quickly, natch, since you can't walk fast when your crotch seam is linked at your kneecaps); defiantly slouching, I say, AND upping the fashion ante by displaying above the belt loops no more boxer shorts - oh, no, the new thing for Today's Guy to wear with his barely-hanging-from-his-hipbone hybrid female-repellent jeans are printed briefs.

There's no justification for that.

None.

Everyone knows zebra-patterned tighties went out with the '80's! And good riddance, I say!

I think it's time to start some kind of Crimes Against Fashion Intervention Group - MY EYES ARE BURNING, and I'm getting a lot of whiplash from turning my head away from vomit-and-laugh-inducing 'couture'. And don't even try to tell me these guys are getting dates... The future of our society is at stake here, people.

Something must be done - and if that 'something' is "Mumuus For Men", well, I'm all for it.



*** I was going to include pictures, just to emphasize the horror, but... I couldn't do it. Your imagination will not be worse than reality, trust me.