If I Were a Rich Man (The Fake Title)

In which we shall see: a fake title (guess the real one!), several conversations (I see single people!), choices, more choices, fewer choices, faith, and action.

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A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend who about to turn 30, and is single. She's cute, smart, compassionate, fun, etc... and also concerned about dating and the trends we're seeing among the men in our demographic. (This is a popular topic with us.) She was telling me about her Singles ward, and a friend she knows there who moved in relatively recently from out of state. She was gently prodding him in regards to his lack of dating activity (another popular topic) and his was a very telling response. He talked about the many attractive, intelligent, educated, spiritual girls in the ward and how there were any number he would like to date, but that he's "spoiled for choice". There are so many available women he would date that he can't decide where to start - and so he doesn't date at all!

This concerns me. It also, unfortunately, confirms a long-held theory of mine that men in this area are spoiled - there are so many dating possibilities that they don't bother to make all that much of an effort to choose. Once they get used to not choosing, they begin to lose the ability to do so - they get antsy, and nervous, and unable (or unwilling) to even discuss moving forward to a dating situation. (Note 1: This does not, of course, apply to everyone. However, single men who are reading this post, do not be quick to count yourself out of this grouping! Note 2: You think I'm kidding? You should SEE the guys in the the 31-45 age Singles ward I used to attend!)

Is there a solution? Possibly. Read on.

(*Cue scholarly British voice*) Dating is a strange phenomenon, unusual as an exercise throughout the entire history of the world (as far as my five minutes of Google research would indicate), and unique to the 20th Century. Prior to this time, matchmaking was always the norm. Someone else would decide on a mate for you, for the benefit of all families or other parties involved. Participants dealt with a very different set of expectations - "romance" was not a consideration. For the upper classes, wealth, status, alliances, and heirs were the objective - for everyone else, matchmaking was a matter of finding someone with a complementary situation in life who could bring particular strengths and security to a new family. In many cultures this arrangement produced a stable populace and strong traditions of loyalty and interdependence. There were certainly occasional problems and tragedies, people being selfish and destructive and all, but for the most part matchmaking was a means to a secure, contented, progressive future.

In contrast, for the last 70+ years people have been encouraged to choose for themselves, often falling victim to lust and hormones in the quest for a "soulmate". Relationship expectations have shifted astronomically, and divorce rates have skyrocketed. This is not to say that wonderfully happy marriages have not resulted from dating scenarios - they definitely have. It is a fact, though, that as "dating" has become a prevalent mating practice, the family and its structure have fallen into decline.

The remedy? Well, matchmaking! This appears to be the current social movement, as Internet dating sites explode and actual matchmaking services re-surface and grow - for all that we value our right and ability to choose, we seem (as a people) to prefer to have others narrow our range of choices for us. (Don't EVEN get me started on the election.) How often do we singles half-jokingly ask our married friends and relatives to "find" us someone to date? I am not suggesting that this is a bad thing - the traditional position of a matchmaker, after all, is to evaluate potential candidates and create the most compatible pairing.

Not that I need to remind anyone, but dating is HARD. It shouldn't be, but it is. Transitional generations (read: mine) seem to be having a difficult time incorporating "dating" with current "casual hookups", and are either in denial about attempting internet dating or are obsessively searching for anything to simplify the matching process that does not involve actually ASKING SOMEONE OUT ON A DATE.

Another single friend I was talking with recently (a popular topic with lots of people, evidently) told me that he just "has more faith than other people" - he trusts that the Lord will "take care of it in the Millenium." (*Pause for gasps and strangled snorts*) This, coming from an upwardly mobile, attractive, 40+ man who hasn't dated anyone for 5 YEARS led me to respond that that wasn't faith - it was laziness.

He continued to explain that a couple of bad relationship experiences had left him burned and wary, and that he refused to define himself by his marital status. He's single and fine with it, darn it! That's all very well and good (and I'm not being facetious about that) except that in this same conversation he'd also expressed a desire for children and a family, and was considering adopting. He refuses to be set up on a blind date (or a sighted date), has not asked out anyone himself, reacts to internet dating like it is of the devil, and would rather be a single parent then try any of the various routes to marriage... deciding instead to "let the Lord take care of it." (Note 3: Why do I ALWAYS go for the tough cases?)

My point: Matchmaking seems to be the solution. It's worked since the beginning of time. It honestly makes more sense to have relatively objective people with your best interests at heart (or even completely objective people with financial motivations to have your best interests at heart) find a complementary match for you, without the complications of hormones and lust-ridden judgement issues. (And before anyone blows a gasket, I'm certainly keeping in mind the reality that the social conditioning towards dating means that the individuals involved are going to have a good deal of say in their future match. Also, it's a well-known phenomenon that getting to know someone who is a good match for you intellectually, socially, and emotionally tends to make them progressively more attractive to you as you invest in the relationship. So there.)

Thought: Organize yourselves, and stop FREAKING OUT about finding dates for yourselves. Instead, study your friends and acquaintances, "practice" getting to know people by spending time with family and friends, and then start matchmaking. In the process, if you're suddenly struck by that "spark", or the "it", or whatever the "magic" is that pulls people together, great. Go for it. If you've really been working on your social skills, kindness, and getting to know others this relationship has a better chance of working out. If you don't find that spark, get your people to set you up in social situations with their contacts, and network. It's interactive-matchmaking, combining principles of dating and decision-making with the oversight of interested parties and a relief of pressure since groundwork will have been started for you (as you do the same work for others).

When it comes to not being a pansy, to stepping up and deciding to contribute to changes in your life that may increase personal happiness - you're on your own.

If I were a rich man I'd probably pay someone to take care of pairing me up with the right person. Since I'm not, I turn instead to another song from the same musical and say to my friends, "Matchmaker, matchmaker..."

Watch out for falling turtles (and opportunities to date and/or matchmake) -

Cyd


Coming Soon: The New York Extravaganza post!