Sexual Metaphors

In which we shall see: ... NOTHING that in any way resembles anything you might be thinking the title of this post refers to! (Seriously. Where are your minds?!? Sheesh.) Also, bad French insults.

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I was chatting with a friend last night (porch + friend + perfect temperature evening = AWESOME) and she was telling me about a recent experience she'd had with a very nice boy. They'd gone out a couple of times and had fun, but she had to postpone the third date due to a change in plans. She tells him she'll be out of town, and hears... silence. Finally, he says, "So, be honest with me. Are we just friends?"

Now, take a moment and see if you can spot the relevant issues here.



Ready?



OK. 1 - They had been on two dates. 2 - She was informing him of a change in plans. If the conclusion you arrived at looks like, "Wow! That was quite the illogical leap and something of an overreaction on his part!" then we are currently in the same spot. I promised a while ago not to offer advice (only sporadically successful, but making progress) but I did not say I would refrain from pointing out FACTS. People: TWO DATES DO NOT A RELATIONSHIP MAKE. And: A CHANGE IN PLANS DOES NOT EQUAL PERSONAL REJECTION OR A "BREAKUP". Finally: ALL THOSE OUT THERE WHO ACTUALLY DATE (PARTICULARLY IF YOU LIVE IN UTAH), CHILL THE HECK OUT. Keep moving forward, be proactive, sure - AND RELAX.

Once your ears stop ringing from the force of my capslock, let me share with you the conclusion my friend and I came to.

This very nice boy needs to date. A lot. Several different women concurrently, if possible. "But," you say (if you've never read anything I've written or are simply interested in playing Devil's Advocate*), "he's looking for The One! Isn't it nice to see a guy so invested in the person he's dating?" To which I respond, resoundingly, NO. Again, two dates do not a relationship make (and are not even technically defined as "dating").

Dating, boys and girls, is all about shopping.

My friend and I pictured this concept, and immediately discovered a flaw. Women, on one hand, can shop for hours. Window shopping, comparison shopping, trying on all kinds of styles and price ranges (you see where I'm going with this?) - but men, on the other hand, generally don't. Ask any guy - he knows what he needs, he goes to the store, he buys it, he goes home. The End.

Except....

... for Car Shopping. Where dating for women is Shopping Shopping, dating for men is (should be) Car Shopping. Ask any man you know - "When trying to buy a car, would you purchase the first one you looked at?" Not hardly, Boy Wonder. Men attack car shopping like women attack shoe shopping - it's a painstaking, methodical, and oddly enjoyable process. They sort through many attractive options, and make plans to see and spend time with as many as possible. They will eventually narrow their range of choices, but only after they've weighed all candidates carefully and even had a few return visits. Oh, sure, there are guys out there who find the perfect car the first time out - but it really is rare, and highly unlikely in general.

So why can't guys treat Dating like Car Shopping? I am not in any way suggesting that men treat their dates like they treat their cars (unless their garage is nicer than their apartment and the money spent on the car - willingly - exceeds their rent payment), just that they look at dating as the same kind of process. I'm thinking they'd have a lot less anxiety about it, and get a much bigger return on their investment. (No, I am NOT digressing into a Stock Market metaphor. Too many bulls and other farm animals in that one!) Trust me, gentlemen - women are shopping when they're out with you! You might as well play along.

Thus endeth the lesson.

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Today at work I spent much of my time coming up with grammatically incorrect French insults like, "Vous etre un gauche couchon (oink oink)" and "Je ne sais pas pourquoi t'aime un moron" and "Mangeons escargot avec les chats. Idiote." A few of them even got a little nasty - but they were in French, so who can really tell? I can't wait for the actors to open these little notes every night, and NOT bust out laughing.

Yes. I got paid to do this.

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Watch out for falling turtles,


Cyd



*I intend to someday come up with a card game called "Devil's Advocate".
*** If I'm counting correctly, this was my 200th post. I suppose it's only appropriate that a blog that started because of dating angst should milestone with it, too.

Said It Once, Said It 100 Times...

In which we shall see: a TMI non sequitur, a couple of dating theories, imaginary dialogue, and a wiggins. Oh, and Happy Fourth-of-July Eve! (Otherwise known as July 3rd.)

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Have you ever had a patch of skin that you could actually FEEL drying up and peeling off? Mine's on the back of my neck from a pretty intense sunburn I got a week ago (damn that new haircut, anyway) and it is making me CRAZY. I will probably have to stop typing every few minutes to see, once again, if I can possibly contort myself in some different way to be able to get at the scaly lizard hide just below my hairline. Did you know you can't see the back of your neck, and that even with three-way mirrors it is BEYOND frustrating to try to get to it? It's a lot like trying to lick your elbow. Go ahead, try it.

This has absolutely nothing to to with today's post. I just wondered.

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A few years ago (and when I was 17, and last week) my mother gave me this advice: "You know, you really should play hard to get." My stock response: "Phbbblgttt." I've been hearing this for years, and it just doesn't sink in - I don't play. I'm not hard to get. If I like a guy and he likes me, I'm all for going out and doing something about it, not lurking coyly and pretending to be all mysterious and lofty and otherwise occupied.

However - if my mother, who has a degree in Childhood Development, had ever bothered to tell me HOW and WHY to "play hard to get", I might have listened and done something about it. Here's the thing: I cannot seem to get away from guys who will say one thing, and then immediately forget those words ever left their mouths, like, "We really should go play raquetball sometime!" or "When can I take you out to dinner?" I've learned, for the most part, to let those kinds of remarks slide and fade away as though they really do have no more substance than the air that carries them, because no matter how positively I respond (although not over-enthusiastically, since that evidently reads as "desperate") the invitation just never morphs into an actual event. I don't know why this is, but I finally have a theory.

I blame my mother.

If she had told me years ago that I had to apply Childhood Development principles as well as "playing hard to get" to my dealings with males, my entire dating "history" (hah) could have been radically different. You know how when talking to small children, in general you will be required to repeat yourself at least three times? I figure that this has to do with the short attention span, and with the lack of impulse control - if something is confirmed to a child often enough it becomes an actuality, not just a passing whim or unconnected thought. Go with me on this: "Playing Hard to Get" + Child's Rule of 3 might look something like...

Him: "When can I take you out to dinner?"
Me: "Well, let me see... I don't know... You want to..."
Him: "Take you out, yes. If you want to go, I mean."
Me: "Oh, well, sure, I'd like to, but I'm really busy... Dinner, huh?"
Him: "Yeah. Dinner. Or a movie. Or something."
Me: "Did you have a particular day in mind? For this dinner?"
Him: "How about next Friday?"
(*cue Me hemming and hawing and mentally double-checking the date, and getting him to set up not only a day, but also the time*)

So, theoretically, if I make a guy confirm an invitation at least three times, then he might get around to setting a date. And if he sets a date (not me) then he feels like he's in charge and will actually follow through. If I just say "Sure. Next week? Call me" then I am too easily pleased and not worth the effort it will take him to follow up. If I make him pull an acceptance out of me, however, I become worth his time AND he will remember he issued the invitation because he repeated it several times. I wonder if schools could start offering combined Childhood Development/Dating classes: "Get your man and practice your parenting skills at the same time!" Seems like a solid idea.

Honestly, though, this whole theory gives me the creeps. I was hoping I could talk myself into trying it out the next time a guy makes a suggestion, but... no. I'd still rather devote my energy to the conversation or the activity or a good book - it just seems like such a waste of time. I apparently still have a little spark of cock-eyed optimism down deep inside that there are men (a man?) out there who do not need me to treat them like five-year-olds, guys who say things because they mean them and will do something about them. There's got to be a different/better way out there - I think I'll just keep looking for that, instead. (Sorry, Mom.)

In the meantime, I've got to go peel my neck.

Watch out for falling turtles (and amateur psychology),


Cyd

For All the Single Ladies (and Men)

Yep. I've been saying this for years.

She says it really well. (And some of the comments are hilarious.)

ETA: Here is the blog post she's responding to. And this is my dear friend's response to that same post, and I think it's BRILLIANT. Girls, you'll cheer. Guys, well, for the most part you won't be offended or anything, but you might end up with a very handy little "Note to self".

Explain, Please...

... how it is that to guys my age (say, 29 - 39) I'm still the kind of girl they'd "marry, but not date", while to the much younger crowd (legal, at least) I'm definitely someone the guys would go out with, even if they wouldn't think of permanent hitching. I don't get it - Do guys really change THAT much from one decade to the next? I don't think I behave all that differently with different groups, but maybe I do... Any armchair psychiatrists lurking nearby?

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The family weight-loss competition has everybody running like crazy (yay!) - some people have reported major losses in just the first two weeks, but then some people stocked up on winter clothing, big meals, and a couple of 44-ouncers just before they weighed in, too. I trust things will balance out. I've stayed pretty steady in the past week, going down a pound for each weigh-in (three times a week)... I did donate blood yesterday, so I'll have to work a little harder for the next time! (I resisted a fairly major ice-cream pull tonight, and had a little glow of pride to go with my evening carrots.)

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Employment-wise, things are still shaky... but it looks like I've got a fun temporary job for the next three weeks, and then a (vague) possibility on something that could be really great (maybe) starting after the new year (perhaps). [Note: I'm kinda freaked that we're already back to a time when we can readily refer to things anywhere near the "new year". Brrrrr. OLD.]

If I Were a Rich Man (The Fake Title)

In which we shall see: a fake title (guess the real one!), several conversations (I see single people!), choices, more choices, fewer choices, faith, and action.

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A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend who about to turn 30, and is single. She's cute, smart, compassionate, fun, etc... and also concerned about dating and the trends we're seeing among the men in our demographic. (This is a popular topic with us.) She was telling me about her Singles ward, and a friend she knows there who moved in relatively recently from out of state. She was gently prodding him in regards to his lack of dating activity (another popular topic) and his was a very telling response. He talked about the many attractive, intelligent, educated, spiritual girls in the ward and how there were any number he would like to date, but that he's "spoiled for choice". There are so many available women he would date that he can't decide where to start - and so he doesn't date at all!

This concerns me. It also, unfortunately, confirms a long-held theory of mine that men in this area are spoiled - there are so many dating possibilities that they don't bother to make all that much of an effort to choose. Once they get used to not choosing, they begin to lose the ability to do so - they get antsy, and nervous, and unable (or unwilling) to even discuss moving forward to a dating situation. (Note 1: This does not, of course, apply to everyone. However, single men who are reading this post, do not be quick to count yourself out of this grouping! Note 2: You think I'm kidding? You should SEE the guys in the the 31-45 age Singles ward I used to attend!)

Is there a solution? Possibly. Read on.

(*Cue scholarly British voice*) Dating is a strange phenomenon, unusual as an exercise throughout the entire history of the world (as far as my five minutes of Google research would indicate), and unique to the 20th Century. Prior to this time, matchmaking was always the norm. Someone else would decide on a mate for you, for the benefit of all families or other parties involved. Participants dealt with a very different set of expectations - "romance" was not a consideration. For the upper classes, wealth, status, alliances, and heirs were the objective - for everyone else, matchmaking was a matter of finding someone with a complementary situation in life who could bring particular strengths and security to a new family. In many cultures this arrangement produced a stable populace and strong traditions of loyalty and interdependence. There were certainly occasional problems and tragedies, people being selfish and destructive and all, but for the most part matchmaking was a means to a secure, contented, progressive future.

In contrast, for the last 70+ years people have been encouraged to choose for themselves, often falling victim to lust and hormones in the quest for a "soulmate". Relationship expectations have shifted astronomically, and divorce rates have skyrocketed. This is not to say that wonderfully happy marriages have not resulted from dating scenarios - they definitely have. It is a fact, though, that as "dating" has become a prevalent mating practice, the family and its structure have fallen into decline.

The remedy? Well, matchmaking! This appears to be the current social movement, as Internet dating sites explode and actual matchmaking services re-surface and grow - for all that we value our right and ability to choose, we seem (as a people) to prefer to have others narrow our range of choices for us. (Don't EVEN get me started on the election.) How often do we singles half-jokingly ask our married friends and relatives to "find" us someone to date? I am not suggesting that this is a bad thing - the traditional position of a matchmaker, after all, is to evaluate potential candidates and create the most compatible pairing.

Not that I need to remind anyone, but dating is HARD. It shouldn't be, but it is. Transitional generations (read: mine) seem to be having a difficult time incorporating "dating" with current "casual hookups", and are either in denial about attempting internet dating or are obsessively searching for anything to simplify the matching process that does not involve actually ASKING SOMEONE OUT ON A DATE.

Another single friend I was talking with recently (a popular topic with lots of people, evidently) told me that he just "has more faith than other people" - he trusts that the Lord will "take care of it in the Millenium." (*Pause for gasps and strangled snorts*) This, coming from an upwardly mobile, attractive, 40+ man who hasn't dated anyone for 5 YEARS led me to respond that that wasn't faith - it was laziness.

He continued to explain that a couple of bad relationship experiences had left him burned and wary, and that he refused to define himself by his marital status. He's single and fine with it, darn it! That's all very well and good (and I'm not being facetious about that) except that in this same conversation he'd also expressed a desire for children and a family, and was considering adopting. He refuses to be set up on a blind date (or a sighted date), has not asked out anyone himself, reacts to internet dating like it is of the devil, and would rather be a single parent then try any of the various routes to marriage... deciding instead to "let the Lord take care of it." (Note 3: Why do I ALWAYS go for the tough cases?)

My point: Matchmaking seems to be the solution. It's worked since the beginning of time. It honestly makes more sense to have relatively objective people with your best interests at heart (or even completely objective people with financial motivations to have your best interests at heart) find a complementary match for you, without the complications of hormones and lust-ridden judgement issues. (And before anyone blows a gasket, I'm certainly keeping in mind the reality that the social conditioning towards dating means that the individuals involved are going to have a good deal of say in their future match. Also, it's a well-known phenomenon that getting to know someone who is a good match for you intellectually, socially, and emotionally tends to make them progressively more attractive to you as you invest in the relationship. So there.)

Thought: Organize yourselves, and stop FREAKING OUT about finding dates for yourselves. Instead, study your friends and acquaintances, "practice" getting to know people by spending time with family and friends, and then start matchmaking. In the process, if you're suddenly struck by that "spark", or the "it", or whatever the "magic" is that pulls people together, great. Go for it. If you've really been working on your social skills, kindness, and getting to know others this relationship has a better chance of working out. If you don't find that spark, get your people to set you up in social situations with their contacts, and network. It's interactive-matchmaking, combining principles of dating and decision-making with the oversight of interested parties and a relief of pressure since groundwork will have been started for you (as you do the same work for others).

When it comes to not being a pansy, to stepping up and deciding to contribute to changes in your life that may increase personal happiness - you're on your own.

If I were a rich man I'd probably pay someone to take care of pairing me up with the right person. Since I'm not, I turn instead to another song from the same musical and say to my friends, "Matchmaker, matchmaker..."

Watch out for falling turtles (and opportunities to date and/or matchmake) -

Cyd


Coming Soon: The New York Extravaganza post!

Men are From Mars, But They've Lost the Map

In which we shall see: Disclaimers, self-editing, italics, sound effects, a sociological analysis, and a glass of lemonade (half empty/half full).

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Disclaimer: The frog from the previous post is starting to get to me. I blog today out of self-preservation.

Situation Reading: I should be working on the research packet for the next play. I need to get to the gym soon. This could be a very long night.

Small Moment of Victory: I'm on Day 8 of no chocolate! **(Okay, I had this whole rambling story here about withstanding the evil temptations of chocolate, but seriously - I started boring myself so I deleted it. The End.)**

Check This Out Moment: There is not much out there that is funnier than a group of theatre people (+ one spouse) sitting around playing a very intense game of "Cranium". HILARIOUS.

And now to your regularly scheduled post:


I have a theory.

(Didja hear the "Dun dun dun"?)

My theory is that the men of my generation are suffering from an identity crisis. (I'm pretty sure I have no idea where to go from here with this particular topic. Away we run.) While every generation in the past century has been one affected by transition, it seems to me that males my age are being hit by particularly jolting, disorienting fluxes in social evolution. It's like they're stuck in at the center of a wave - they're not down in the valley, waiting for the next swell, and they're not riding the current on top; they're halfway down/up, and have no idea which way to paddle.

It seems that single guys my age (and maybe some married ones - I'm not watching those) are caught between the final death throes of chivalry and the birth of complete social "equity" topped off with an icing of metrosexuality. From what I can tell, men 30 years or so older than me seem(ed) to have a fairly good idea of what their roles were in life and relationships. They knew (or were willing to learn) how to work with women to create families and acknowledged that there were "stages" to be moved on to as they got older. The next generation (following mine) seems to have, perhaps, less of an understanding or perception of "roles", but a congenial interaction with females that makes me think equality is becoming an accepted fact, not a necessary fight. Single men in my generation appear to be caught in a kind of stasis - chivalry is no longer appropriate (contrary to their fading childhood lessons) but complete informality is a foreign, unnavigable minefield. Additionally, they have possibly taken the goals of their baby-boomer parents to an extreme: they work to get the house and the car and the recreational vehicles, and then realize they've spent so much time acquiring what they thought they wanted that they have forgotten how to interact with other people - namely, women.

In the meantime, women of my generation have realized that they not only can but will have to build their lives themselves, and so they get on with doing it, eventually furthering the gender breach - since by the time the men are willing to offer what they have gained, women see that they don't really want any of it... or have already gotten it on their own. Mom used to tell me that I should "play hard to get", even though I was never good at or interested in playing mind games. I eventually realized that it was a waste of time for me to ask out anyone my age - all the men I knew responded poorly to being approached by an "assertive" (or other descriptors) female. Today, though, males seem to enjoy being given invitations by girls - my youngest brother is flattered when a young lady asks him out, as opposed to being frightened or intimidated. My roommate, just under a year older than me and gorgeous (you're welcome, Mel, and it's true) hasn't dated anyone recently near our age - the guys who ask her out have been averaging at around 8 years younger than she is.

So what's the deal? The apostles and prophets have been addressing the issue more frequently in recent years ("Socialize!" "Date!" "Get married, you morons!" - okay, not a direct quote) and we're in the midst of the latest round of rumors that singles' wards will be disbanded. Before I came back to my "family" ward I was in a singles' ward for those ages 31-45; in the year and a half I attended there I was visible, I was friendly, the bishopric thought I was awesome, and only one guy asked me out - once (it was a pretty good lunch date - he talked non-stop about his job and all the girls he tried to go out with, but I really liked the restaurant) and that was it.

My only explanation is this identity crisis. Men in my generation are trying to deal with the growth of blatant homosexuality; the onset of male beauty treatments; the recognition that the cheerleader types they've always seen themselves as dating are now 15-25 years younger than they are; the lack of accessible role models; and women who have either gotten tired of waiting and have moved on to create successful (read: intimidating) careers and lives or women who are still so desperate to get any man that they'll allow a guy to walk all over her and thank him for it later. A successful, personable 42-year-old man should not have any difficulty holding a simple, sociable conversation with a single woman within five years of his own age. If he does, there are therapists for that - once he can get past the outdated preconception that therapists are only for crazy people.

It could be that this is only a problem in Utah. It could be that I'm the one who's crazy. Whatever the case, it's time for me to wish the best of luck to my male peers, promise to smile at them occasionally (but only from a distance), and get on with building my own successful career and life. And maybe get a therapist.

Watch out for falling turtles,

Cyd


Meaningful phone conversations I had today: 2
Days I've gone without chocolate: 7 (Sunday was a buy - it's all explained in the story I deleted)
Stupid things I stopped myself from doing today: 2
Things from previous posts about which I was absolutely correct today: 1

Your thoughts?