I Think I Figured It Out

In which we shall see: Quite frankly, some whining. It was a tough weekend, after a couple of tough (though fun) weeks. You don't have to read it.

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(Sunday, March 22)

I've been a full-fledged high school teacher for two weeks. Evidently, I'm good at it. My knee-knocked friend wonders why I don't just get certified and stick with it, and the other day a couple of students remarked that it was a good thing I was there, as they (collectively) would have "killed" any other sub. On the whole, I really like all of "my" students. I enjoy teaching the classes, and I love working with the kids individually and in small groups on their competition pieces.

I just figured out why I am so certain teaching high school is NOT for me.

It's not so much the hours, though being up and at the school by 7 a.m. will never cease to be a pain, and staying late and knowing you're not actually being paid for the time does rankle. It's not the grading or the class prep, though those will never hit my list of favorite things to do. And it's not the the few pain-in-the-patootie students, those 2 or 3 who insist on answering back and will simply not shut up...

It's not them, it's me.

Or rather, it's my tendency to be obsessive. This past weekend I have constantly had songs from the new show we're working on running through my head, and they're not particularly fabulous or catchy. I find myself reviewing my mental to-do list over and over and over and over... I dwell and stew on the kids, their problems and their work. I was so happy to finish the last show - not because I wasn't enjoying it, but with the expectation I would finally stop dreaming about it. I did, but now I'm dreaming about the new show and drama club presidency meetings. (Believe me, meetings with a group of teenagers in your bedroom while you're in bed and in your pajamas seems only marginally less embarrassing in your dreams than it prospectively would in real life. Brrrr.) I can't turn it off, and it's driving me out of my mind!

I just want a job I can walk away from - or at least one that I don't want to walk away from. For all the long hours I put in researching and assembling information when I'm dramaturging a show, I haven't yet dreamed about an actor's packet.

(Aside: I think I'd be OK with dreaming about grad school at this point. I want to go more than ever, and with so much else going on I could really use the reminder to get those applications moving...)

I think this is the same tendency that really makes me hate "crushing" on guys. I dislike being loopy and infatuated anyway (particularly as, nearly without exception, it's one-sided) but the really icky part is moving from "mild crush" to "obsessed maniac" (in the comfort of my own home, anyway). It's just so damn uncomfortable. I'd much rather be occupying my thoughts and time with something more productive, but I just can't help it. At least I haven't yet veered into stalker-hood... not since high school, anyway.

And here it comes around - I suppose the bottom line is that I don't want to teach high school because in some ways it feels like I never left. Teaching high school is certainly better than attending it - but it's past time for me to grow up, get a grip, find some balance, and MOVE ON.

And maybe get some therapy for the OCD, you think?

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(REDACTED: drippy, whingey rant, removed since it annoyed even the author. Source: completely ridiculous infatuation. Did I mention I hate that particular state of mind? I'm far too old for this crap. Seriously.)

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(Monday, March 23)

In other news, my friend came back to class today, and it was weird. We actually work really well together, but having her back after running "my" classes for two weeks was strange. She's awesome though, and was very complimentary, so I'll get over it.

Watch out for falling turtles - fo shizzle, you could dislocate a knee, and THAT'S no fun...

Cyd