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I was chatting with a friend last night (porch + friend + perfect temperature evening = AWESOME) and she was telling me about a recent experience she'd had with a very nice boy. They'd gone out a couple of times and had fun, but she had to postpone the third date due to a change in plans. She tells him she'll be out of town, and hears... silence. Finally, he says, "So, be honest with me. Are we just friends?"
Now, take a moment and see if you can spot the relevant issues here.
Ready?
OK. 1 - They had been on two dates. 2 - She was informing him of a change in plans. If the conclusion you arrived at looks like, "Wow! That was quite the illogical leap and something of an overreaction on his part!" then we are currently in the same spot. I promised a while ago not to offer advice (only sporadically successful, but making progress) but I did not say I would refrain from pointing out FACTS. People: TWO DATES DO NOT A RELATIONSHIP MAKE. And: A CHANGE IN PLANS DOES NOT EQUAL PERSONAL REJECTION OR A "BREAKUP". Finally: ALL THOSE OUT THERE WHO ACTUALLY DATE (PARTICULARLY IF YOU LIVE IN UTAH), CHILL THE HECK OUT. Keep moving forward, be proactive, sure - AND RELAX.
Once your ears stop ringing from the force of my capslock, let me share with you the conclusion my friend and I came to.
This very nice boy needs to date. A lot. Several different women concurrently, if possible. "But," you say (if you've never read anything I've written or are simply interested in playing Devil's Advocate*), "he's looking for The One! Isn't it nice to see a guy so invested in the person he's dating?" To which I respond, resoundingly, NO. Again, two dates do not a relationship make (and are not even technically defined as "dating").
Dating, boys and girls, is all about shopping.
My friend and I pictured this concept, and immediately discovered a flaw. Women, on one hand, can shop for hours. Window shopping, comparison shopping, trying on all kinds of styles and price ranges (you see where I'm going with this?) - but men, on the other hand, generally don't. Ask any guy - he knows what he needs, he goes to the store, he buys it, he goes home. The End.
Except....
... for Car Shopping. Where dating for women is Shopping Shopping, dating for men is (should be) Car Shopping. Ask any man you know - "When trying to buy a car, would you purchase the first one you looked at?" Not hardly, Boy Wonder. Men attack car shopping like women attack shoe shopping - it's a painstaking, methodical, and oddly enjoyable process.
They sort through many attractive options, and make plans to see and spend time with as many as possible. They will eventually narrow their range of choices, but only after they've weighed all candidates carefully and even had a few return visits. Oh, sure, there are guys out there who find the perfect car the first time out - but it really is rare, and highly unlikely in general.So why can't guys treat Dating like Car Shopping? I am not in any way suggesting that men treat their dates like they treat their cars (unless their garage is nicer than their apartment and the money spent on the car - willingly - exceeds their rent payment), just that they look at dating as the same kind of process. I'm thinking they'd have a lot less anxiety about it, and get a much bigger return on their investment. (No, I am NOT digressing into a Stock Market metaphor. Too many bulls and other farm animals in that one!) Trust me, gentlemen - women are shopping when they're out with you! You might as well play along.
Thus endeth the lesson.
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Today at work I spent much of my time coming up with grammatically incorrect French insults like, "Vous etre un gauche couchon (oink oink)" and "Je ne sais pas pourquoi t'aime un moron" and "Mangeons escargot avec les chats. Idiote." A few of them even got a little nasty - but they were in French, so who can really tell? I can't wait for the actors to open these little notes every night, and NOT bust out laughing.
Yes. I got paid to do this.
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Watch out for falling turtles,
Cyd
*I intend to someday come up with a card game called "Devil's Advocate".
*** If I'm counting correctly, this was my 200th post. I suppose it's only appropriate that a blog that started because of dating angst should milestone with it, too.
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