Over the past few weeks I've had a couple of misunderstandings with my roommate (a super-nice girl) and they seem pretty generally to have stemmed from a little bit of miscommunication and a whole mess of assumptions. Basically, I find myself screwing up because I'm operating on the basis of information that I assume to be true... and it's not. So how do I stop? Making assumptions is a pretty ingrained practice, an efficiency strategy/coping mechanism - kind of the 'organic' version of computer cookies. (Mmmm, cookies.) A lot of the time it works just fine; you make decisions and move forward based on things that have happened before, or 'common sense', and save yourself the trouble of checking and double-checking day-to-day details. So how do you change the practice when you're getting the details wrong and making mistakes due to that faulty information?
I have a theory.
I've been writing about this in the journal part of my school notebook, and just today I had another screw-up (at least this time it was only a problem for myself, not anyone else). I decided to write it out here to remind myself to work on applying it a little better - one of my assumptions, I think, is that my memory is as good as it's ever been, when in all honesty it's starting to slip. I need the reminders. (I am my mother's daughter.) ((Sorry, Mom.)) Part of the trick to all of this is that I'm not always aware that I'm making an assumption about something that should actually be questioned. The challenge, then, is to create a new paradigm in which I actively (and routinely) question everything about which an assumption would otherwise be made.
I think: As with most things, communication is key. And more than that, transparency may be key to communication. Yes, my roommate and I need to get into the habit of talking more often if we're going to communicate better (duh, for a start). Once we're talking, transparency may mean adopting a sort of running Twitter feed: if I am very clear about my activities and intentions (whether or not they may affect someone else) I may become very boring and not at all sought after at parties, BUT the people I'm communicating with will be more able and motivated to correct assumptions I may not have recognized in order to question.
For example, if you need something from me and you tell me you're leaving 'around' a certain time; and if I say not only 'I'm going to run out to take care of that errand for you' but also '...and I thought I'd stop at the store for a few groceries while I'm out...' (because I assume that you are taking your car and that your schedule isn't particularly pressing); then you can follow up with 'I'm not sure I can wait that long - my ride will be here in five minutes!' which tells me that you are a) traveling with other people, and b) that your schedule is actually defined. My assumptions are corrected because you were able to give me information I didn't realize I needed, I can run the errand without detours and you head off happy. If I operate under a policy of 'full disclosure' instead of 'minimal effort' I may help to create fewer misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Note to self: Anyone wishing to stop making assumptions (or, operating as though assumptions are always true) must be prepared to be corrected, sometimes indignantly, as transparent communication disrupts the assumptions of those you're communicating with. If, on the other hand, those corrections are not made, than transparent communication on your part means you're off the hook responsibility-wise if information isn't shared. Also, if you pay more attention, listen more carefully, observe body language, (etc...) you'll become more skillful at figuring out when questions are needed. And, really, it never hurts to ask. Or, at least, it hurts more later if you don't ask.
Ergo: When you think you know something, check on it. (Isn't that the old carpenter's rule? 'Measure twice, cut once'?) Bus schedules, birthdays, study topics, quoting somebody... even if you think you know, check. (That way you won't be standing out in the cold for half an hour, stewing over a bus that hasn't shown up, when all you had to do was walk ten feet to look at the posted schedule and realize you were wrong - there wasn't a bus scheduled to arrive then, doofus - and you'd still have had time to work something else out.)
Also: be transparent, particularly in regards to plans and immediate/future activities. It's far more frustrating to try to fix something you messed up later!
Okay, more later... I think I'd better go check one more thing for my schedule for next week! (And then maybe look at the whole thing again...)
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Christmas video reviews starting soon! (Hopefully tomorrow!)
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