Mountains and Stars (The Counterblog)

In which we shall see: A cheesy title, a poor mother's (metaphorical) heart attack, a refutation, goals, quotes (from people who know), and the satisfaction of getting all this off my chest.

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A couple of weeks ago I went home, sat down with my mother, and said, "Guess what? I met someone, and we're getting married! He's very nice, and he's got a job, and we get along pretty well... and really, what more can you ask for, right? I mean, he goes to church (most of the time), and if our senses of humor don't actually mesh (he doesn't actually have one) he's OK if I tell a joke now and then, and he'll be a very supportive dad. We don't have much in common, and there aren't many things we want to do together, but he'll stick with the family, and the kids are really the important thing anyway. Come on, kissing is overrated, isn't it? We're both happy doing our own thing, and I'll finally get to say I have a husband and children, even if he doesn't much like my friends (eh, I don't care for his). I'm sure you'll like him, once you get used to him - just like me! But if you don't, it doesn't much matter... we're in it for the kids, after all, and that's fine with both of us. Really." She was thrilled, though for some reason she keeps calling me every hour or so and asking, "Honey, are you SURE you've thought about this enough?"

Well, of course I have. After all, at my age, what's the point of holding out for anything better (i.e. true companionship, laughter, growth, an eternal connection) when there's almost no chance I'll get it (since I haven't managed it this far)?

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What a load of bunk.


When I first stumbled across this article I thought, "OK, she (the author) makes some good points..."but I immediately realized that they only applied UP TO a point. She talks about being less judgmental, being willing to give people a second chance, to look beyond the obvious to what's inside - all good advice. However, she completely misses what should be otherwise apparent: that marriage is NOT the goal. Being "relatively content" in our relationships is not the goal. Holding onto the best happiness we think we can achieve (even if it's far from ideal) is not the goal. Several prophets make this particular point, here quoted from Alma 34:32: "For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors." And if you think being "content" is the way to go, please remember: "...[Men] are that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:25).

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we know that there is much more than this life for us to look forward to. Marriage is not a matter for "here and now", it is intimately concerned with eternity. Without this understanding, it perhaps makes sense to concede that major sources of happiness (i.e., children) can supercede other, more nebulous potential sources of joy (i.e., romantic love). It's a logical conclusion, and well-demonstrated as a practical path in the article I've linked. It only works, however, without the complete knowledge of what our Heavenly Father has laid out for us. Something that is good enough for now is almost certainly not good enough for FOREVER. And how can we expect to have joy and greatness in the eternities if we don't learn to recognize it here first?

The end-all, be-all of our time in this life is not to get married, according to the scriptures. It is absolutely a worthy, vitally important, highly desirable goal (and indeed, a saving ordinance), but the bottom line is that we are here now to "prepare [ourselves] to meet God." Participating in an eternal marriage relationship is undoubtedly a fantastic (and even ideal) way to help do that - it is, however, not the only way. Imagine the conversations two different women might have, standing before God at the last day (as we all will do) when the Father asks, "And what did you do with your life?"

• - The first might respond: "Lord, I did all I could to be married. I accepted every blind date, I met with therapists and counselors, I attended singles events and went on cruises and signed up for every online dating site I could find. I regularly spoke with perfect strangers and posted personal ads; I prayed and fasted and partied and went to singles' wards until they kicked me out. I never turned down an invitation for a date, and yet I just couldn't quite make it happen. I did try my very best to get married."
• He might then ask, "But what else did you do with your life?" to which she could only answer, "Well, there wasn't really time for anything else."
• - Consider the second: "Lord, I had a wonderful life. I met so many amazing people, and I'm so grateful for the opportunities You gave me to serve and get to know them! I'm also so thankful for the talents You gave me - there were more than I thought possible, and they allowed me to learn and experience so much. I so enjoyed traveling, and seeing all the wonders and beauties and mysteries of this world You created. I got to know my family so well, and we were a tremendous support to each other through all our difficult times. I did my best to date and appreciate others for their hidden qualities as well as their obvious ones, and I made such good friends... I went to church, studied my scriptures, attended the temple, fasted and prayed, and did everything I possibly could to live up to your hopes for me. I was never able to marry, though I hoped and wished and worked for it - but I thought that since I was doing all I could I would trust that You would take care of this one thing I could not accomplish."

One lived a life of joy. The other did not. Which is better prepared to meet God?

I asked my readers and friends for their thoughts. Here are some quotes from their responses:

"Anybody who suggests 'settling' in order to get married is the correct path is an idiot--to put it mildly. I take offense to the suggestion that I HAVE to get married in order to have some use to the world, or to really find some fulfillment in life. Don't get me wrong--I certainly want to get married and have a family. And I'm certainly doing all I can to achieve those goals. But I am a 25-year old woman with focus and motivation to my life. I've graduated from college and I have a car, a career, a 401K. I desire a relationship putting me on equal ground with a man--I want to walk NEXT to my husband, not before or behind him. That doesn't mean I refuse to date men who don't have a career, a house, a full-paid for car and a Master's Degree. It means I look for a man who has focus and motivation in his life... THAT is my requirement at this point... Some people might think I look at marriage with a cold, almost-scientific view, but I disagree. I think I look at marriage realistically. I hope and pray it still comes in to my life, but if it doesn't, I'm still going to live each day with the goal to be happy. And most importantly, be true to MYSELF."

From Oregon:

"Drawing from my own experience being married, romance does play a big part of my own marriage and I feel is necessary for a successful and HAPPY marriage. I believe it is also essential to have similar interests and things you enjoy together. My husband and I both have college degrees and I find that it was essential for me to have someone in my life who is just as, if not more educated than myself... I have a few friends who are in their 30's and still single. I don't believe for one minute they should settle, just because they are single and not married yet at their age. I truly believe what it comes down to is continuing to have faith in the Lord that your life will be in line according to His will. When we are striving to live the Gospel to its fullest we will be the most happy with or without a spouse. I also truly believe that if we are doing those things I stated above and striving to live according to His will, then we will find and marry in the Lord's timing for us. [My] advice though to those who are single: continue to strive to have balance... You can have what you are looking for - just don't be too extreme and always include the Lord in your choices! I promise it works!!"

And from New York:

"The following quote makes me want to run screaming from marriage, 'Once you're married, it's not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it's about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn't a passion-fest; it's more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business.' She couldn't be more wrong. It's not a business partnership. Well it is, if you are Bill and Hilary Clinton, but otherwise it is not. If you are both living the principles of the gospel, most of the decisions about money and child-rearing come pretty easily. And it is about who you want to go on vacation with and it can be more of a "passion-fest" than this crazy woman is claiming (however, it does take some effort, but then again everything in marriage takes some effort). If you can't have fun with this person on vacation, then you shouldn't be marrying the guy. If you can't agree on what's fun you have little to nothing in common,... and fun is mandatory to survive marriage.

One final thought: Marriage is hard. It's really hard. However, it is also amazing. I can't imagine being married to someone who I wasn't totally in love with. Yes, love does grow as time goes on, but only if it's nurtured. You can't nurture and grow something that didn't exist in the first place."

You've all heard the quote that says we should reach for the stars, because even if we don't reach them at least we'll land in the mountains (or something to that effect) - I say, why give up and settle for the mountains (or worse, the plains and river valleys) when the Lord has promised that we can reach the stars - and beyond? Do WE trust that He knows what He's talking about... or don't we? Either way, the stars are still there.

I cannot for one minute imagine that Heavenly Father is ever pleased with the idea that any of His beloved daughters (or sons, truly) would settle for less happiness than they deserve, less joy than they might otherwise experience, less than the full measure of blessings He holds for them. I pity and shudder for the person who makes such a suggestion, especially (or particularly) when their own experience should dictate that they know better. As one of my favorite readers asked: "Should someone wanting to be happy and successful let herself be affected at all by 'advice' from someone who is unhappy and unsuccessful?"

I prefer to reach for the stars, and trust that as I try to use my life to prepare to meet God, He will help me to grasp them.

Cyd


Days I've gone without chocolate: 0 (It was Easter. Cadbury Eggs are a major downfall. I'm starting over.)
Good friends I've seen just today whose experience proves the above points: 1
Sisters-in-law of mine who wouldn't DREAM of complaining about their husbands: 3 (someday 4) ((Hey, my brothers are AWESOME - and they prove it can be done!))