Mistaken

Today I got exactly what I wanted, though it wasn't at all what I asked for. I paid for it, both with a great deal of emotional anxiety and a (relatively) hefty chunk of change. This two-for-one could finally be my ultimate motivator, and may even go some way towards teaching me impulse control. The experience itself turned out to be pretty fun, and it is (thankfully) not likely to be repeated. It's also possible that I will finally have broken my decades-long M.O. of asking a guy out and afterwards having him never speak to me again - or at least have found the exception to that rule.

It's not often that you can definitively pinpoint the end of an infatuation - I hate them while I'm in them (because they make me such a crazy person) and it's still a little sad when they're over; probably because the adrenalin and loopiness contribute to the feeling of being "alive". I suppose that's a small part of what being in love is like - I assume love is much better, though, having two willing participants. It's a relief, being done - I may be my mother's "most dramatic daughter" (per brother number 3, sorry sis - I know you were pitching for the title) but I do not enjoy being crazy wacko person.

So even though nothing turned out the way I expected, I am deeply, sincerely grateful. It's like figuring out how to breathe again after a year spent under water. Also, I paid off a credit card. All in all, a successful day!

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I want to talk about Glee. If you haven't seen the Madonna episode and are planning to don't read this until afterwards - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Ok. So. I enjoyed the episode. I always have a good time with the music, and I like the caricatures they're playing with. I regard the whole experience as social satire, not as any kind of accurate representation of high school or glee clubs or life in general. That said, I'm a little surprised by some of the responses I've seen to the last episode, and I'm wondering if everybody else just didn't get it, or if my moral compass is really really off-center. I'm talking, of course, about the plotline dealing with sex.

Context: You've got the entire Madonna catalogue. Can you honestly say you're surprised they chose to use "Like A Virgin"? And having chosen one of Madonna's biggest, most iconic hits (which is to make no determination whether or not I personally like the song) how can you be shocked that the song will be used during a subplot (SUBPLOT! NOT MAIN PLOT) about sex? Characters in the episode made it repeatedly clear that Madonna's music represented being independent and powerful, making and owning choices, and re-inventing oneself. Nowhere was it stated, either covertly or overtly, that it's all right and/or expected for a person to sleep with whomever they happen to meet. (Two girls state that they "never say no", but they are also cast as bimbos/villians, and have never been presented as characters with whom we, the audience, are expected to sympathize.) The sex subplot involves three couples who all state their intention to have sex. However, after singing "Like a Virgin", the fallout is not "Sex is great! Be promiscuous!" it's: 1) didn't happen, not ready, don't want to do this for the wrong reasons, 2) didn't happen, fix problems first and don't expect sex to fix them for you, and 3) happened, but was meaningless and unenjoyable because their was no emotional connection for the participants. For two of the couples, the guy was also shown as supportive when the girl changed her mind about having sex. For mainstream TV, these seem like pretty radical (and positive) conclusions.

Am I nuts? I don't mind discussions about sex, especially when they are apropos and include messages like "don't do it if you're not ready, or just because someone else wants you to, or because you think it will fix or change something, or to make another person jealous. Make your own decisions - take charge of your life and your body, and be supportive and respectful of the decisions others make." There is no reference to any kind of religious aspect of the discussion - but again, it's mainstream TV. I'm not sure that anyone could legitimately expect there would be. I believe that sex should wait until marriage, and I'm not watching prime-time television shows with the expectation that anyone on them will agree with me. I do appreciate the empowering, counter-culture messages that are sometimes sent - I realize that in today's world, those messages may be the closest thing to moral instruction that much of society will receive.

And since depictions of sex (or, in this case, intent to have sex) are counter to the beliefs and standards of many people, I am not recommending that anyone go and watch Glee, or trying to change anyone's mind. I'm just a little baffled that lots of people seem to be getting such different messages than the ones that are coming across to me. No offense intended - but if we can't talk about things, how are we ever supposed to learn?

(Over-Dramatic Title:) Requiem for That Which Never Was, or In Memoriam

I am forgetting.

I am forgetting, and it makes me a little sad.

I am forgetting the sound of your voice, and the way you looked at me when you were sure I was watching. I am forgetting my quick intake of breath when you would touch me unexpectedly. The ever-present awareness, consciousness of you is finally fading. I have forgotten the feeling of our fingers intertwined, though not that of my hands in your hair. I will forget.

I am forgetting your passion and humor and inability to be still. Gone for me now is the sound of your laughter, the sincerity behind your promises. I still breathe you in suddenly, when I am no longer thinking of you – the teasing memory of your cologne may be all I will keep of you.

I will forget you, as a dream of hope and impossible possibilities is forgotten; as things real and not real fade away. I will forget, as you have forgotten me.

I will remember you, and I will forget all that I have felt, all that was said, and all that you are.

I am forgetting, and it makes me a little sad…

...and relieved.


*

Bookends

Yesterday was an interesting day. It started with me "breaking up" with and unintentionally hurting the feelings of someone I really hadn't thought cared at all, and ended with me walking away from someone else I'm fairly certain won't even know I'm gone. It was all a surprisingly timely commentary on my post on Closure - if the one person hadn't pushed the issue we would have just faded apart, and maybe faded back in at some point (and who knows, maybe we still will - but at least her feelings wouldn't have been so hurt); and with the other I get to really exercise my theory on the possibility of being OK without real "closure".

It was intriguing to see, too, how both these people operated under my new idea of happiness. In the conversation I was having with my boss we were talking about how people will go to strange lengths and do very odd things under the guise of "finding happiness"; and then when "it" fades or they don't find what they're looking for, they'll keep going in even further and more disturbing directions. My comment to my boss was "Happiness is not where you find it - happiness is where you left it." That's not necessarily always the case, of course, but the idea is worth thinking about. We usually learn fairly early in life how to be happy - what to do, how to behave, the kinds of things that bring us joy. Then we grow up, and get confused, and try new things... and start branching away from those early lessons, rather than sticking to them. Both of the people I interacted with yesterday (and the one my boss and I were talking about) knew how to be happy - and they both made choices that perhaps felt good and looked exciting, but led them to the opposite of happiness.

I guess we need to do that every so often, so that we know what the opposite of happiness feels like - still, it was a powerful insight to me that, instead of trying to go somewhere else to find happiness, I need to remember how to be happy and then take it along with me. I think "finding happiness" is really just about remembering who we really are and how it really works.

All in all, it was a very interesting day.

It's Not the End, Again

In which we shall see: Some ramblings and mental perambulations which, ironically, come to no real conclusion.

*

Hey! It's July! When did that happen? June was here, then gone, and it didn't even say goodbye! I'm not really ready for last month to be over - couldn't we discuss this? I'll probably be fine, once I get my head around it... Honestly, though, a little finality would be nice!

*Leaves for a moment to go change the calendar*

OK, I'm ready now. Just had to square that away.

People are funny, it seems to me, about this idea of "closure". I've used it as an excuse for years: "Well of COURSE we should have desert, the meal needs closure!" - but what is it really all about? It's odd, sometimes, how we have difficulty moving forward if we don't have a "The End" sign first. I've been thinking about this lately, and wondering how much difference it makes. For example, by all reasonable accounts or expectations, a relationship is over (we've all been there). The spark is gone, you've grown apart, you haven't talked since his birthday... a month ago... and yet the relationship isn't completely finished until there is an actual, verbal, face-to-face break-up. Does the break-up introduce new information, or somehow give you permission to move on? (For me, in one memorable instance the break-up did in fact introduce some new and painful information that I would have been much happier without. Closure was ABSOLUTELY overrated.)

We seem to have a deep-seated need for a "button", a "tagline", some indication that things really are finished. I HATE books that leave me turning the last page back and forth (as if additional print will magically appear) muttering, "Wait - that's IT?!?" An excess of closure can have a similarly exasperating effect - "Honestly, get it over with... um, Shakespeare, old buddy, I'm pretty sure we already saw this scene twice, we don't need to hear about it again! Done, already!" It's kind of like presents under a Christmas tree - everything should be wrapped just so, each gift should be inclusive unto itself for maximum satisfaction, and eventually the packages should all be distributed so we can move on to the homemade cinnamon rolls. We don't seem to like dangling possibilities of any kind, and have difficulty tying them up without help.

I am an action-girl (by which I mean, "not patient") and I like answers and conclusions to present themselves neatly, ASAP. This may be a by-product of my reading habit - I read exhaustively and continually, and pretty quickly. I really don't have to sit in suspense for long, because I know I can keep reading until I get to the ending. (Don't ask about my track record with the Twilight books.) Recently, however, I have found myself in a situation where I haven't been able to get any clear answers, though not for lack of attempted manipulation (er, "trying"). Slowly, I've been seeing that it might be all right if I never get the answer, that my future happiness is not going to be determined by the acquisition of this one piece of knowledge, and that I am allowed to make the decision to let things go without help or permission from anyone else. It's a weird feeling. Kind of loose, and nebulous... and fluffy... Like I said, weird. And a little liberating, too - I don't have to wait for someone else to make up their mind and take action before I decide what to do next. I don't have to be dependent on outside forces to finish or wrap up my own thought processes, pack them away, and move on to something new. I don't have to have closure. It's OK not to cut people out of my life (impose "closure" on them) - I can let them fade out, or just wait and see what they do next week, and then make a new decision based on what I have decided to do in the meantime. If I'm done watching the movie, it's OK to walk out. If I didn't like the way the book ended, I can spend a few minutes coming up with a more satisfactory conclusion - OR I can mentally shrug, put the author on my "maybe not, next time" list, and pick up the next volume in my stack (ideally, after having gone out for a run, met up with some friends, and put in a load of laundry. Balance, or something).

I guess this means I really don't need dessert after all. Wow. Now THERE'S a concept.

Watch out for falling turtles,


Cyd

It's a Sin (one of 7)

In which we shall see: nothing so bad as the post title would imply (I think), long-armed furry animals, tracks in the carpet, things that almost happen, a list, big news, a stiff upper lip, "Dear Auntie Cyd", and familial lunacy.

* * * * * * * * *

I don't really have much to report, so this will more than likely bit something of a ramble. My current job just cut hours down to 20 hours a week per person, and that has left me with a couple more days off a week. That's really only OK for about the first week - after that, one starts to realize that (along with the sudden drop in income) a person generally does better when she has a real, Day-Timer worthy reason to leave the house. I am such a LURP. I haven't exactly been sleeping all day (that was last week), but I probably could be mistaken for a tree-hanging mammal. In my own small defense, I really haven't been feeling well or sleeping well the past few weeks, so days when I don't have any scheduled appointments make it that much harder to get going. Probably the most exercise I get on a regular basis is the series of laps I do between my bed and the "snooze" button on my alarm clock. Today I almost did some housecleaning, very nearly got a load of laundry in, and WILL in fact get out of the house for an, er, "appointment" (more in a minute) and a two-mile walk/jog. It's 8:00. P.M.

At least I'll also be able to say I blogged today.

Plans:

- Clean out storage. Sell things on Ebay.

- Make/sell jewelry. Next month, put together website. (Want to wait until my web designer gets settled in her new house.)

- Find second part-time job/one full-time job. Will probably stick with odd jobs or SP-T job until fall, when job market opens up a little and vacations are over.

- Finish next dramaturgical packet for Pinnacle Acting Company. (Romeo and Juliet. Bleh.)

- Try badgering (er, "persuading") local theatre companies to let me come on as a paid, assistant, or intern dramaturg.

- Get dramaturgy portfolio DVD compiled, ready for grad school applications.

- Help prepare jewelry, flower girl dresses, and anything else that needs doing for my youngest brother's wedding.

Yeah.

I'm officially the last single member of my family. It's not like I didn't expect it, but it is still a little strange... We're having family pictures taken next month, and each sibling's family is wearing a different color - and I'm halfway tempted to just show up in my own color (burnt orange, or gray, maybe). I won't, 'cause I think it would make my mom feel bad (and there really aren't any colors left I look GOOD in, so...), and it's just weird, you know? It's certainly nothing about my brother's fiancee, who's a darling girl... It's just...

Years ago, I remember my mom saying that one of her dreams was to have all her children present in the temple when the youngest was married. And we all will be, which is wonderful, it's just a little hard to know that I'll be the only one there by myself. (Naturally, this situation wouldn't have ocurred to anyone all those years ago.) On the plus side, I have made it clear that I am not eligible for bridesmaid's duties (honestly, when the bridesmaid is a good thirteen years older than the bride things are gonna get uncomfortable for everybody). Also, I really do want to get a Master's Degree and work as a dramaturg in New York, and then maybe (MAYBE) come back here and start a Performing Arts School... while intermittently traveling the country (and possibly the world) doing important work in the development of theatre (and perhaps working on movies) while writing books and a syndicated humor/advice column; which is gonna be just a little difficult if I a) have a husband/family or b) don't get moving and stop being so lazy!

To that end, there is one other bit of news - most of the family is taking part in the Pocatello Marathon on August 30. We are not a particularly athletic family, being much more inclined towards the artsy and musical and computer-oriented aspects of society, but one person got interested, and it snowballed, and peer pressure reared its ugly (yet effective) head, and we're off. My oldest brother and my brother-in-law are doing the full marathon; while my sister, sister-in-law, youngest brother, and myself are doing the half marathon. All the rest of the siblings/in-laws (and parents) are coming along for support and to offer child care. The other day, Mom said she wanted to do the marathon NEXT year with all of us... oy. Gotta make it through August, first!

I'm off now to help plan flower-girl dresses, and to get in my two miles - I'm hoping that the exercise will help me get ready for the (half) marathon, sleep better tonight, and motivate me to actually get some things done tomorrow. Quite a lot to expect from two little miles, eh?

Watch out for falling turtles (and bouquets),

Cyd

Days to marathon: 52