Mankind Is My Business

In which we shall see: Absolutely no blood. Just kazoos and *drool*.

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So, last weekend I had this blind date. The cold sore dropped far enough that my eye was no longer bloodshot and swollen shut, and careful makeup pretty much hid the rest. Already, my night was in the black. In reality, this "date" was actually an opportunity to get two of my friends to meet, but when I got tagged as a third wheel I insisted on even numbers just so I wouldn't feel so... odd. (Sorry.) I figured it would be a chance for me to practice, you know, talking to a boy, and that we'd probably spend most of the time gabbing as a group anyway. Not so much...

Gotta say, my non-date date was an AWESOME date. My two newly-met friends started talking, and MNDD immediately engaged me in conversation, neatly pairing everybody off. He was so easy to talk to, and interested and attentive, and I didn't feel anywhere near as stupid as I usually do trying to have a conversation with a guy. He's way too young for me, of course, but he was cheerful and funny and gentlemanly and cute and his story about getting arrested in Chicago and spending the night in jail is an absolute mind-blower! (So not kidding. It was AMAZING.) Later, one of my two friends told me she was sure we'd dated before, we looked so... cozy. That? Right there? Is a good date...

...in spite of Jason. Or, I suppose, Jason was the exception-spice that made the evening that much more tasty... (All right, ignore the metaphors. Go ahead.) We saw a play, then walked half a block to IHoP for hot chocolate. We were seated, asked for waters and hot chocolates, and before our server had left the table we found out his name was Jason, he'd just broken up with his fiancee, and he was willing to sing pretty much any Christmas carol we wanted - as long as it was sad and depressing. We got him started on "Blue Christmas" before he headed off to place our order, and we had our very own Elvis the rest of the evening. Nothing says "Happy Holidays" (or, "Your life isn't as bad as you think") like a depressed, bitter, singing pancake-house waiter! (How do we get that on a Christmas card?)

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I'm still trying to find an MP3 or YouTube video to share, but in the meantime, listen for a version of "Mele Kalikimaka" with a female vocalist and a whole chorus of kazoos. It is EPIC. It's edging up my list of favorite Christmas songs, and may end somewhere next to this one:


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Fellow Gleeks: Take a moment with me here to revisit one of the most beautiful things about a really great episode (today's) -

Have you ever seen anybody RUN like that before? *melts into a puddle of goo* Someday, I'll have a picture of that moment. And a YouTube clip to watch over and over. And computer wallpaper that plays those five seconds on a continuous loop. Merry Christmas, indeed.


(And until I get that picture/video clip/wallpaper, enjoy this placeholder from the pilot. Thank YOU, Matthew Morrison!)

Today, I Broke a Nail

Today, I woke up with my eye glued shut thanks to pus from a sty or pinkeye or something. I washed it out with the only eye drops in the house, which turned out to be allergy eye drops, and they dilated the one pupil until I could barely see.

Today, I came in to work wearing an eye patch.

Today, I nicked my wrist on a broken glass as I was unpacking a bin, and bled copiously all over the floor. Fortunately, I was wearing a sweatshirt and that soaked up a lot of the blood running down my arm. Also fortunately, I had a pile of dusty tissue paper handy (from the non-broken glasses) that I could use to try to staunch the flow (which was fortunately flowing strongly enough that I don't think I'll get an infection from the dust and dirt. Score!). Not so fortunately, I couldn't find anyone else in the building to help me. I wasn't dizzy or freaking out or anything - but when you're pressing a handful of old, blood-soaked tissue paper to a wound you can't actually see because it's on the other side of your arm and you just HOPE you're applying pressure to the right spot, you kind of want someone around for a little moral support, you know? The costume shop was completely empty, and everyone in the front office was on the phone and so couldn't come to my aid EVEN AS I WAS WAVING MY BLOODY ARM AROUND IN THE LOBBY. (That was descriptive, not British swearing.) Eventually, I got it all taken care of myself (although I had to go back to the - empty - costume shop for band-aids) and even got my sweatshirt into a load of laundry. (As soon as I started the machine, one of the costumers walked in. Oy.)

Today, I really needed cookies.

Today I burned myself with hot glue. I pulled the droplet off my hand, and it took the skin with it.

Today, I spent much of my time in the bathroom scraping mucus out of my eye and carefully dabbing Neosporin over the swelling (even though you should apparently NEVER use Neosporin that close to your eyes). Then I found out that there's a good chance the sty/pinkeye/whatever is actually a cold sore (ON MY EYE) and that thanks to the herpes virus I've had all my life, I will probably someday need cornea transplants if I don't get the shot that can (FINALLY) kill the virus. Also, Neosporin doesn't do squat for viruses. Also, if I ever need the cornea transplant I will have to pay for it myself because no insurance is going to cover it, seeing as I have had the herpes virus all my life. Plus I have a cold sore ON MY EYE and a blind date in two days. (Insert applicable joke here. Make sure it's bitter.)

Today I had leftover pasta from the Cheesecake Factory for lunch, and I did not get sick or food poisoning or anything. Who would have thought?

No News Makes for Boring Headlines - Sorry

No news is usually because there's way too much going on to actually have time to talk about it, even though it's not particularly newsworthy. Maybe I should take classes on tabloid journalism, so that I'd always have something to write about here. Anyway, in this case, no news is because:

- Changeover week at the theatre. Old show out, new show in - usual schedule: 10 days. This changeover: 4 days (because my boss refuses to work Thanksgiving). We did a great job with prep beforehand though (IMHYAO), so no-one's tried to staple anyone else to the hydraulic lift. Yet.

- Thanksgiving! Yay! (except see above). We're borrowing a tradition from my friend Sara's family and doing "pie all day" - after Sunday's Music and the Spoken Word, though, I suggested we do a "Pay It Forward Pie Day" (because I am extraordinarily dorky and I also really liked the broadcast). Every time you have a piece of pie on Thursday (and you can have one whenever you'd like) you either: 1) write down something nice you'll do for someone else that day and put it in a jar, or 2) go find something nice to do for someone else and then write it down and put it in the jar. Apple pie for breakfast - Mom and I are ready to go.

- My sister and her family are coming for the holiday - they'll be staying in the basement with me, which means that most of the last few days have been spent digging through the mountain of storage boxes that filled the Big Room (this is it's actual name) and sorting and re-packing fewer boxes to go in the storage room (also it's actual name; not to be confused with the Food Storage Room - apparently, we're a very literal group). It's... kind of amazing, really - furniture arranged, kitchen area cleaned, carpet vacuumed... it even looks like someplace I'd want to live. (If it wasn't in my parents basement, that is.) I'm excited to see the kids (for the .03 minutes I'll have to spare thanks to Item #1) and my sis and Mom and I are dragging Dad and the b-i-l to New Moon Friday morning. (Truth be told, the guys are not all that reluctant. HA.) Most people are a little surprised and even alarmed that I haven't seen the movie yet - it opened THURSDAY AT MIDNIGHT, after all.

- The plan was to have all my family Christmas presents ready by Thanksgiving, since I've got my sister's family. That... didn't QUITE work, but hopefully the things I'll take care of later will be light and mail-able.

- I'm judging the Reflections Contest entries for the local elementary (my old school! I still totally know the song!) in Film/Video, and Music. I remember writing a song for a Reflections contest, and singing it into a TAPE RECORDER, and moving on the next round and singing it for actual people, and thinking I was pretty cool. Who knows, maybe I was.

Wow, I feel old.

- And.... Still determined to give up fiction come January (decided to use December to re-read favorites and get caught up on books I'd had "back ordered"; the family wants to start another weight-loss contest, which is great, except that the prize has been suggested as a family vacation and some are leaning towards a year-long competition with a vacay in January 2011 so that people have time to save up... and I fully expect to be in England, so - no good. I definitely need to lose the weight, though. I started eating chocolate again after a few weeks away, and it MESSED with my digestive system - evidently, I should only be eating very expensive chocolate, which does not make my tummy nearly as unhappy. I broke tonight (after vacuuming a few miles of carpet in the Big Room) and had ice cream for the first time in over a month, but only because it was Schwann's Chocolate Chip, purchased at my instigation and in honor of the holiday. These days, an ice cream sighting like that in our freezer is as rare as spotting a single, upwardly mobile, aesthetically pleasing man over the age of 30 in the Salt Lake valley - and twice as satisfying. (Zing!) After Thanksgiving and Changeover are over I'm getting things back in order and getting back into my jeans. And finding another/additional job. And getting back to work on my book project. And sorting out my filing cabinet. And getting into grad school, with grants and scholarships to pay for it.

I've got to get up for work in about 5 hours, so I'm off - tomorrow I'll finish Marley's chains and politely turn down a print bid and probably paint stuff and OD on Glee songs, since those are pretty much all I've got on my Ipod right now.

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I ganked this quote from a friend's blog - I'm working on both. (I'm not saying this post is in any way indicative of either, but I'm trying!)

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.

— Benjamin Franklin

Bonus Content #10 - Character Values Trump Sexiness

Wow. Somebody in the mainstream media is finally getting it right. This article is targeted as advice to women about what to look for in men, and it's good stuff for both sexes to consider working on (urgh, just cannot find a way to end that sentence without a dangling preposition!).

In conclusion, when I build a house it's going to have to include both a den and a laboratory.

Bonus Content # 9 - Sesame Street In Da House

I'm not really one for gansta rap, but...



Happy 40th Birthday to Sesame Street!

Rated "C" for Chastity

In which we shall see: NOTHING AT ALL IF YOU ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO TALK ABOUT CHASTITY, CHLAMYDIA, PAPER DOLLS, WHITE ELEPHANTS, DECADENT DESSERTS, JAKE GYLLENHALL, AND LOTS OF THINGS ABOUT WHICH VERY DIRTY JOKES COULD BE MADE (ALTHOUGH THEY WEREN'T, 'CAUSE WE DON'T ROLL LIKE THAT - JUST SLIGHTLY SMUDGED), OR ANYTHING YOU MIGHT HAVE TO ASK A PARENT TO DESCRIBE/DEFINE. (Seriously, that can be embarrassing for some parents. Good for them to deal with, but awkward.) ALSO, THE FUNNY. IN GENERAL, THERE WILL BE TOO MUCH INFORMATION. JUST SO YOU KNOW.

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(Are you old enough to read this? STOP NOW IF YOU'RE NOT.)

(Are you SURE?)

(OK, then.)

Last weekend, I attended the first annual (Bi-annual, if we get really lucky) Chastity Celebration, "White Knuckles and Chocolate." It was EPIC. It all started with some pithy and insightful commentary posted to a friend's blog. It is SO TRUE. And because it is so true, Tara and Mr. B decided to get some action, er, take action and create a truly motivational reward for those of us that have, indeed, been chanting "Chastity is my favorite" for more years than any of us really want to count.

The set-up was very specific - attendees were asked to 1) be living a chaste life (the policy, naturally, was "Don't ask, don't tell - LET IT BE UPON YOUR OWN CONSCIENCE"), 2) bring a delicious and/or decadent dessert, chocolate encouraged (there was even a reminder notice sent out that strongly discouraged anyone from "cheating" by bringing, say, snack-size candy bars or even shopping at all for the party at Wal-mart), 3) bring a "chastity token", some reminder or representation of this great law under which we labor that would be used for a "white elephant"-style exchange, and 4) be prepared to creatively express feelings about chastity in both a Chastity Belt Design contest (paper dolls, markers, crayons, etc... were provided) and a Reflections-style contest to which poetry, essays, artwork, etc... could be submitted. (Married people were not invited - not because they aren't chaste, but because they are having sex. Consideration has been given to someday holding a "Fidelity" party, but that may depend upon the rate of engagements that result from the Chastity Celebrations.)

The desserts were staggering. Literally. From Oreo Truffles (*drool*) to chocolate-dipped strawberries, cookies and fudge cake and coconut surprise* (oh, my!), there were enough calories on that table to beef up a very small third-world country. I contributed Dump Cake** (cherry), on the rationale that sometimes, in order to preserve chastity, one has to "dump" whomever one is dating. Or so I've heard. Anyway, the dessert was luscious and actually refreshingly non-chocolate.

Dress code note: there wasn't one (a dress code) since we were all about the chastity and really didn't need to set one up. In the spirit (?) of things, however, I wore a long jacket that I have in my costumes that has an odd, hippie-esque pattern. My reasoning was that the pattern was vaguely viral, and therefore resembled VD (not that I would know. It was a GUESS). In wearing the jacket to a Chastity Party, I was saying, "Thanks to chastity, this is the closest I'll ever get to VD!" (*rimshot*) It seemed funnier in person. Also, I wore my glasses all night as a tribute to Marilyn Monroe in How to Marry a Millionaire: "Men aren't attentive to girls who wear glasses." Maybe I've been wearing INVISIBLE glasses all these years - felt, but not seen.

The token exchange was next - we almost (ALMOST) burned off all the calories we'd consumed, we were laughing so hard. Highlights included: a metal frame with the letters H-O-P-E across the top, featuring a picture of Jake Gyllenhall - it would have been a hot-potato gift except that the girl who opened it had to leave early and took off before anyone (me) had a chance to steal. (I might be getting one for Christmas. Fingers crossed.) An egg timer. A nutcracker. An (ironically) un-opened Sheri Dew (?) cassette tape of a talk on chastity. A stuffed chlamydia microbe!!!!. (Genius! "I went to a chastity party and I got Chlamydia!") Pants. ("If you're wearing pants, you're not having sex!" "Ahhhhh.") Several dollar-store dolls, fitted out with chastity belts. Gigantic lavender granny panties.

A commemorative Finding Nemo tin.

Us: ???

Her: You've got to be careful to protect your little swimmers!

Us: *collective aneurysms from gasping in all the air in the room, and then exploding in astonished laughter*

Skipping ahead - the Chastity Belt dolls were fabulous, with Poison Ivy (ouch!) taking the win and my own "Roseanne Arnold in Disguise" coming in second. As promised, there were commemorative wooden crafts - my "trophy" was a tole-painted bear with a card reading "Bear Hugs - but only while standing up." The Reflections entries were also fascinating - several semi-poetical pieces talked about the virtue or the difficulty of living a chaste life, and one very direct work was a drawing on someone's Iphone of a girl with hairy legs. (See: Return to Me.) The winning item was simple and expressive - a picture of some minor celebrity lounging poolside with the caption: "Chastity is... a bitch." Too, too true.

Pictures, and then we hold out for another year!

I got chlamydia, and then gave it to someome else. *sigh*

My Reflections entry... hey, at least the syllables are right!

"Congratulations! You did it! (By not doing it.)"

Nick tries out his Chastity Token.

Read Tara's account here.

*The surprise is that there's no coconut.

** Easiest recipe EVER.

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In a related note, I have drama herpes - or, as it's also called, "glitter". I am absolutely covered with the stuff - at work today I started making a couple of head wreaths and the leaves and flowers were coated with glitz to start with. Tomorrow I finish putting them together and THEN add even more crystals - I'll be picking glitter out of my hair and teeth for Valentine's Day. (It's good to already have plans, I suppose.)

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In non-chastity related news, I watched "Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail; The Play" with some girls last night - and holy cow, Miss Ella wasn't the only one having impure thoughts about a cross. CRIKEY.

Halloween Hoopla

Day 5 of Halloween Week: Skipped it. Really. Just blew right on by. Maybe had a few Halloween-colored M&M's.

Day 6: Ate candy. Worked on my costume - I'm ALL about the last-minute stuff. (Sigh.) Intended to watch Coraline (in 3-D!) but instead got my parents to watch The Addams Family (as they had never seen the movie) while I kept working. Listened to Plan-B Theater Company's Radio Hour: Alice as it was broadcast over the radio. Cooool. (Very appropriate, too, as I was working on an Alice in Wonderland costume.) It's getting quickly to the point where I'm going to be bragging about knowing Matt Bennett, the playwright (we were at school together at SUU). Loved his Radio Hour: Frankenstein last year.

Day 7 "Halloween": Slept in a little bit. Thank goodness my brother and his wife decided to do their early-Saturday-morning move next week! Got up, kept working on the costume. (Double sigh.) Finally got into makeup and hair in the early afternoon, costumed, and ran some errands - just because it was Halloween and you're allowed, nay, EXPECTED to go out in public in costume on that particular day. Nobody really “got” the outfit (I heard one "cute costume"), but I should have realized that "Black-and-White Alice in Wonderland" or "Original Alice, i.e., from the pen-and-ink drawings from the book" wouldn't exactly be a no-brainer, especially since I had no "Eat Me" or "Drink Me" props. Live and learn. Did a "dine-and-dash" at a dinner party, then went with my friend Ricky to Odyssey Dance Company's Thriller. Third year in a row - LOVE IT! A girl a couple of rows in front of me was dressed as "in-color Alice" so I got a picture. Went home, took off my very pretty wig, and started contemplating ways to re-use the costume next year.



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After going for about a month with no ice cream, I am now moving on to cutting out cheese and chocolate (with a few specific exceptions, IF I make my exercise goals). By Thanksgiving, I’m planning to drop sugar altogether.

Also, I may have to start a book blog, because coming up soon I’ll be starting that Year Without Fiction (i.e., Novels). It’s time – I really need to take my brain back.