April 21, 2010

Mistaken

Today I got exactly what I wanted, though it wasn't at all what I asked for. I paid for it, both with a great deal of emotional anxiety and a (relatively) hefty chunk of change. This two-for-one could finally be my ultimate motivator, and may even go some way towards teaching me impulse control. The experience itself turned out to be pretty fun, and it is (thankfully) not likely to be repeated. It's also possible that I will finally have broken my decades-long M.O. of asking a guy out and afterwards having him never speak to me again - or at least have found the exception to that rule.

It's not often that you can definitively pinpoint the end of an infatuation - I hate them while I'm in them (because they make me such a crazy person) and it's still a little sad when they're over; probably because the adrenalin and loopiness contribute to the feeling of being "alive". I suppose that's a small part of what being in love is like - I assume love is much better, though, having two willing participants. It's a relief, being done - I may be my mother's "most dramatic daughter" (per brother number 3, sorry sis - I know you were pitching for the title) but I do not enjoy being crazy wacko person.

So even though nothing turned out the way I expected, I am deeply, sincerely grateful. It's like figuring out how to breathe again after a year spent under water. Also, I paid off a credit card. All in all, a successful day!

* * * * *

I want to talk about Glee. If you haven't seen the Madonna episode and are planning to don't read this until afterwards - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.




Ok. So. I enjoyed the episode. I always have a good time with the music, and I like the caricatures they're playing with. I regard the whole experience as social satire, not as any kind of accurate representation of high school or glee clubs or life in general. That said, I'm a little surprised by some of the responses I've seen to the last episode, and I'm wondering if everybody else just didn't get it, or if my moral compass is really really off-center. I'm talking, of course, about the plotline dealing with sex.

Context: You've got the entire Madonna catalogue. Can you honestly say you're surprised they chose to use "Like A Virgin"? And having chosen one of Madonna's biggest, most iconic hits (which is to make no determination whether or not I personally like the song) how can you be shocked that the song will be used during a subplot (SUBPLOT! NOT MAIN PLOT) about sex? Characters in the episode made it repeatedly clear that Madonna's music represented being independent and powerful, making and owning choices, and re-inventing oneself. Nowhere was it stated, either covertly or overtly, that it's all right and/or expected for a person to sleep with whomever they happen to meet. (Two girls state that they "never say no", but they are also cast as bimbos/villians, and have never been presented as characters with whom we, the audience, are expected to sympathize.) The sex subplot involves three couples who all state their intention to have sex. However, after singing "Like a Virgin", the fallout is not "Sex is great! Be promiscuous!" it's: 1) didn't happen, not ready, don't want to do this for the wrong reasons, 2) didn't happen, fix problems first and don't expect sex to fix them for you, and 3) happened, but was meaningless and unenjoyable because their was no emotional connection for the participants. For two of the couples, the guy was also shown as supportive when the girl changed her mind about having sex. For mainstream TV, these seem like pretty radical (and positive) conclusions.

Am I nuts? I don't mind discussions about sex, especially when they are apropos and include messages like "don't do it if you're not ready, or just because someone else wants you to, or because you think it will fix or change something, or to make another person jealous. Make your own decisions - take charge of your life and your body, and be supportive and respectful of the decisions others make." There is no reference to any kind of religious aspect of the discussion - but again, it's mainstream TV. I'm not sure that anyone could legitimately expect there would be. I believe that sex should wait until marriage, and I'm not watching prime-time television shows with the expectation that anyone on them will agree with me. I do appreciate the empowering, counter-culture messages that are sometimes sent - I realize that in today's world, those messages may be the closest thing to moral instruction that much of society will receive.

And since depictions of sex (or, in this case, intent to have sex) are counter to the beliefs and standards of many people, I am not recommending that anyone go and watch Glee, or trying to change anyone's mind. I'm just a little baffled that lots of people seem to be getting such different messages than the ones that are coming across to me. No offense intended - but if we can't talk about things, how are we ever supposed to learn?

March 20, 2010

Things I Learned While I Should Have Been Doing Something Else

I read a book today.

Yes, I know, if you've met me you are not surprised. It's notable, though, in that I started writing down sentences and quotes that jumped out at me while I read. I then discovered a few things once I finished the book. For the sharing:

* '... Maybe there's nothing fundamentally wrong with me. Maybe I've just been making appalling choices.'

* '...The thing to remember about bad luck is that it always runs out.'

* "Try harder, fail better." - Samuel Beckett

* '...When the universe sends you something awful, the converse is only around the corner.'
See: CHEMICALIZATION

* "I'm not needy, but I do require the reassurance of constant attention."

* '... Life is not designed for us to go through alone, you're supposed to have a partner."

These things all struck one chord or another with me, and those chords are probably fairly obvious to you, the audience. The following may not seem so obvious, but the items below are the things I actually learned/realized after reading the book.

* You will achieve the thing on which you focus.
* A person can rarely focus on more than one thing at a time. Since most things a person wants deeply are pretty "big", and there are usually more than one of them, smaller, specific goals that lead to a "big" desire are vital.
* Know thyself. And if you don't, and you ask the people around you to help you get to know yourself, PAY ATTENTION.
* There is a right way to write a story. A book without an ending is a huge cop-out, and will in no way please your readers.
* I am a magpie. I talk too much, and I am too easily distracted (insert "shiny" joke here. I just spent 15 minutes thinking up and discarding several - see above).
* I am also obsessive-impulsive (or, impulsive-obsessive). Anyone who's seen me in action knows what I'm talking about.
* An impulsive-obsessive magpie is not the most productive of creatures. These tendencies must be fought, and conquered, if I am going to be able to truly focus on the things I wish to achieve.
* I got a lot out of the book, and found a little self-actualization, but I still hate it because it doesn't end and it "twist"s and "spin"s in such a way that it tramples on its own premise. SLOPPY. (Try not to do that when you write a book.)


It's interesting (to me, anyway) that when I buckle down and attempt to focus and clean house and change things that are bugging me, I blog a lot more. Hmmm.

* * * * *

Maybe reading that book was what I was supposed to be doing after all.

March 19, 2010

A Gordian Knot

I have realized that I am simultaneously the luckiest AND the unluckiest person EVER. Someone loves me, which is unlucky, and someone else does not, which is lucky. I am grateful for the un-luck and sad about the luck, and conflicted by the disparity. I am a philosophical tangle. I feel a book coming on - possibly a movie deal.



I am so good that I can't get into trouble even when I try. It's a most disturbing talent.

ETA: SERIOUSLY. Argh!

March 14, 2010

Bonus: Trust Me

You want to watch this. You really, really do.

Sunday Snippet

I realized today that I have either GOT to start taking better care of myself, or by any means possible stop wandering into such unflattering lighting. Oy.

* * * * *

Today's Sacrament Meeting was great, and I should have been taking notes but didn't. I'm just putting it out there - Terrific job on the meeting today, Universe! Keep up the good work!

Today's Sunday School class, on the other hand (coming into SARCASM FONT here) was on my favorite topic ever: Marriage. (And the object lesson was popcorn. Go figure. No, seriously - if you figure it out, let me know.) I made a comment early on, so as not to seem defensive or bitter, and then shut up as the young, earnest, well-intentioned (male) teacher proceeded to thoroughly ignore my demographic (i.e. single, defensive, and bitter).

There were definitely some interesting moments:

A class member - "Marriage laws evolved largely to protect women. Men, historically, have not been all that good at sticking with one relationship. It's like that bacon-and-eggs thing: the chicken is invested, but the pig is fully committed." I'm... pretty sure all the women in the room were just compared to pigs. Interesting.

After a rambling, off-topic comment about one class member's deceased wife (bless him), the teacher responded with: "You guys'll make it! She's up there waiting for you in the CK!" I had sudden visions of Beverly Hills: 90210 and One Tree Hill, for some reason. Super interesting.

A private comment from a friend (love her), passing along "wisdom" that had been shared with her: "Honey, I'm only married because the Lord knew I could make it on my own!" So, evidently, I'm single because the Lord already knew I could "make it" if I were married. Interestingly, I did not find this anecdote remotely comforting.

Craziness!

Hopefully, we'll get back to a little better spiritual perspective next time... meaning, I'll have to take more appropriate notes. Got it.

Nap time!


March 05, 2010

An Open Letter (That Is Not Likely To Be Read By The Pertinent Individuals)

So. Here it is.

Remember when I told you, oh, last summer, that I wouldn't be chasing after you, trying to pin you down anymore? That still applies. You're three-for-three on flaking out on invitations I've made to you that you've accepted, then blown off. I've moved a ways past "shame on me" status here - and I'm pretty sure that all your "we need to get together" and "I owe you a date" talk is just a lot of hot air. Texting does not a relationship (of any sort) make, and I never signed up to be your Lonely Hearts Cruise Director in the first place. (Oh, and recognizing to whom you are speaking AND spelling her name correctly - FAIL - are, oddly, important in a friendship. FYI.) As far as I can tell, we're not anything to each other anymore, so this is not a breakup. This is a me-growing-up (ha) and-removing-myself-from-whatever-outer-darkness place I have on your priority list. I'm not faulting you (much), it's your list - I'm faulting myself for realizing that "I don't believe you" feeling has been the hallmark of our interactions and for allowing pseudo-flirtation and empty promises to stand in place of real intent and action. My bad. I'm not heartbroken or anything - there are no country-music songs being written in my head this week - and we'll never actually have this conversation simply because I don't believe you've ever thought about any of this. You'll probably miss me, but you'll get over it - I know I'll miss you, but then, I've had a lot of practice.

Oh, and you, yes, you - the one over there sitting on your broken-legged Bar Stool of Superiority - GET OVER YOURSELF. Doing things in an accepted and established way is not food for scorn just because it wasn't your idea in the first place. Most people (that I've talked to, anyway) actually think it's a good policy to research a text (i.e., read it) and base a plan of action on that, rather than on the hazy vision floating around inside the heads of crazy persons. In a related note, I DO know how to read, and to listen and retain information - skills you seem to be seriously lacking. I get that you don't like me - I don't understand why you came to that conclusion, but hey, I can accept your decision. What I do not accept is your determination to condescend to and purposefully misunderstand me, to make accusations for which you have no basis, and to hold me responsible for situations over which I have no authority. Grow up. Make at least some attempt to act in the professional manner that your position requires. Communicate (effectively, please) even if you don't want to, and either OWN UP or SHUT UP. Please note that it is entirely likely that we will be having some version of this conversation in real life. Should be fun for everybody!

Talk about your falling turtles,

Cyd


P.S. Note to self: What is it with you and idiot guys? Get a grip, get some therapy, or both! Also, It's probably not the BEST idea to blog about these kinds of things late at night. Remember how we talked (at length) about impulse control? Try applying it, -K-?
P.P.S. Whatever, self. I'm on a roll. Better to hope that this translates to RL motivation and empowerment!
P.P.P.S. In the end, I got into grad school in London and will not have to deal with these people (others like them, no doubt, but not these specifically) for much longer. Win-win (for me).
P.P.P.P.S. Separate grad school post to follow!

February 07, 2010

Politics Are Everyone

I recently read a novel by Orson Scott Card called Empire. The tagline is "A disturbing look at a possible future" and proposes cause and effect and a particular scenario leading to a second American Civil War. It was fascinating reading (being Orson Scott Card), and the afterword (in which the author talks about the set-up of the writing of the novel as well as current politics) was interesting and powerful. Take a look - it's long, but it's worth the time.


Keeping Things Civil
Afterword to the novel Empire
by Orson Scott Card


The originating premise of this novel did not come from me. Donald Mustard and his partners in Chair Enterainment had the idea for an entertainment franchise calledEmpire about a near-future American civil war. When I joined the project to create a work of fiction based on that premise, my first order of business was to come up with a plausible way that such an event might come about.

It was, sadly enough, all too easy.

Because we haven't had a civil war in the past fourteen decades, people think we can't have one now. Where is the geographic clarity of the Mason-Dixon line? When you look at the red-state blue-state division in the past few elections, you get a false impression. The real division is urban, academic, and high-tech counties versus suburban, rural, and conservative Christian counties. How could such widely scattered "blue" centers and such centerless "red" populations ever act in concert?

Geography aside, however, we have never been so evenly divided with such hateful rhetoric since the years leading up to the Civil War of the 1860s. Because the national media elite are so uniformly progressive, we keep hearing (in the elite media) about the rhetorical excesses of the "extreme right." To hear the same media, there is no "extreme left," just the occasional progressive who says things he or she shouldn't.

But any rational observer has to see that the Left and Right in America are screaming the most vile accusations at each other all the time. We are fully polarized -- if you accept one idea that sounds like it belongs to either the blue or the red, you are assumed -- nay, required -- to espouse the entire rest of the package, even though there is no reason why supporting the war against terrorism should imply you're in favor of banning all abortions and against restricting the availability of firearms; no reason why being in favor of keeping government-imposed limits on the free market should imply you also are in favor of giving legal status to homosexual couples and against building nuclear reactors. These issues are not remotely related, and yet if you hold any of one group's views, you are hated by the other group as if you believed them all; and if you hold most of one group's views, but not all, you are treated as if you were a traitor for deviating even slightly from the party line.

It goes deeper than this, however. A good working definition of fanaticism is that you are so convinced of your views and policies that you are sure anyone who opposes them must either be stupid and deceived or have some ulterior motive. We are today a nation where almost everyone in the public eye displays fanaticism with every utterance.

It is part of human nature to regard as sane those people who share the worldview of the majority of society. Somehow, though, we have managed to divide ourselves into two different, mutually exclusive sanities. The people in each society reinforce each other in madness, believing unsubstantiated ideas that are often contradicted not only by each other but also by whatever objective evidence exists on the subject. Instead of having an ever-adapting civilization-wide consensus reality, we have became a nation of insane people able to see the madness only in the other side.

Does this lead, inevitably, to civil war? Of course not -- though it's hardly conducive to stable government or the long-term continuation of democracy. What inevitably arises from such division is the attempt by one group, utterly convinced of its rectitude, to use all coercive forces available to stamp out the opposing views.

Such an effort is, of course, a confession of madness. Suppression of other people's beliefs by force only comes about when you are deeply afraid that your own beliefs are wrong and you are desperate to keep anyone from challenging them. Oh, you may come up with rhetoric about how you are suppressing them for their own good or for the good of others, but people who are confident of their beliefs are content merely to offer and teach, not compel.

The impulse toward coercion takes whatever forms are available. In academia, it consists of the denial of degrees, jobs, or tenure to people with nonconformist opinions. Ironically, the people who are most relentless in eliminating competing ideas congratulate themselves on their tolerance and diversity. In most situations, it is less formal, consisting of shunning -- but the shunning usually has teeth in it. Did Mel Gibson, when in his cups, say something that reflects his upbringing in an antisemitic household? Then he is to be shunned -- which in Hollywood will mean he can never be considered for an Oscar and will have a much harder time getting prestige, as opposed to money, roles.

It has happened to me, repeatedly, from both the Left and the Right. It is never enough to disagree with me -- I must be banned from speaking at a particular convention or campus; my writings should be boycotted; anything that will punish me for my noncompliance and, if possible, impoverish me and my family.

So virulent are these responses -- again, from both the Left and the Right -- that I believe it is only a short step to the attempt to use the power of the state to enforce one's views. On the right we have attempts to use the government to punish flag burners and to enforce state-sponsored praying. On the left, we have a ban on free speech and peaceable public assembly in front of abortion clinics and the attempt to use the power of the state to force the acceptance of homosexual relationships as equal to marriages. Each side feels absolutely justified in compelling others to accept their views.

It is puritanism, not in its separatist form, desiring to live by themselves by their own rules, but in its Cromwellian form, using the power of the state to enforce the dicta of one group throughout the wider society, by force rather than persuasion.

This despite the historical fact that the civilization that has created more prosperity and freedom for more people than ever before is one based on tolerance and pluralism, and that attempts to force one religion (theistic or atheistic) on the rest of a nation or the world inevitably lead to misery, poverty, and, usually, conflict.

Yet we seem only able to see the negative effects of coercion caused by the other team. Progressives see the danger of allowing fanatical religions (which, by some definitions, means "all of them") to have control of government -- they need only point to Iran, Saudi Arabia, the Taliban, or, in a more general and milder sense, the entire Muslim world, which is oppressed precisely to the degree that Islam is enforced as the state religion.

Conservatives, on the other hand, see the danger of allowing fanatical atheistic religions to have control of government, pointing to Nazi Germany and all Communist nations as obvious examples of political utopianism run amok.

Yet neither side can see any connection between their own fanaticism and the historical examples that might apply to them. People insisting on a Christian America simply cannot comprehend that others view them as the Taliban-in-waiting; those who insist on progressive exclusivism in America are outraged at any comparison between them and Communist totalitarianism. Even as they shun or fire or deny tenure to those who disagree with them, everybody thinks it's the other guy who would be the oppressor, while our side would simply "set things to rights."

Rarely do people set out to start a civil war. Invariably, when such wars break out both sides consider themselves to be the aggrieved ones. Right now in America, even though the Left has control of all the institutions of cultural power and prestige -- universities, movies, literary publishing, mainstream journalism-- as well as the federal courts, they feel themselves oppressed and threatened by traditional religion and conservatism. And even though the Right controls both houses of Congress and the presidency, as well as having ample outlets for their views in nontraditional media and an ever-increasing dominance over American religious and economic life, they feel themselves oppressed and threatened by the cultural dominance of the Left.

And they are threatened, just as they are also threatening, because nobody is willing to accept the simple idea that someone can disagree with their group and still be a decent human being worthy of respect.

Can it lead to war?

Very simply, yes. The moment one group feels itself so aggrieved that it uses either its own weapons or the weapons of the state to "prevent" the other side from bringing about its supposed "evil" designs, then that other side will have no choice but to take up arms against them. Both sides will believe the other to be the instigator.

The vast majority of people will be horrified -- but they will also be mobilized whether they like it or not.

It's the lesson of Yugoslavia and Rwanda. If you were a Tutsi just before the Rwandan holocaust who did not hate Hutus, who married a Hutu, who hired Hutus or taught school to Hutu students, it would not have stopped Hutus from taking machetes to you and your family. You would have had only two choices: to die or to take up arms against Hutus, whether you had previously hated them or not.

But it went further. Knowing they were doing a great evil, the Hutus who conducted the programs also killed any Hutus who were "disloyal" enough to try to oppose taking up arms.

Likewise in Yugoslavia. For political gain, Serbian leaders in the post-Tito government maintained a drumbeat of Serbian manifest-destiny propaganda, which openly demonized Croatian and Muslim people as a threat to good Serbs. When Serbs in Bosnia took up arms to "protect themselves" from being ruled by a Muslim majority -- and were sponsored and backed by the Serbian government -- what choice did a Bosnian Muslim have but to take up arms in self-defense? Thus both sides claimed to be acting in self-defense, and in short order, they were.

And as both Rwanda and Bosnia proved, clear geographical divisions are not required in order to have brutal, bloody civil wars. All that is required is that both sides come to believe that if they do not take up arms, the other side will destroy them.

In America today, we are complacent in our belief that it can't happen here. We forget that America is not an ethnic nation, where ancient ties of blood can bind people together despite differences. We are created by ideology; ideas are our only connection. And because today we have discarded the free marketplace of ideas and have polarized ourselves into two equally insane ideologies, so that each side can, with perfect accuracy, brand the other side as madmen, we are ripe for that next step, to take preventive action to keep the other side from seizing power and oppressing our side.

The examples are -- or should be -- obvious. That we are generally oblivious to the excesses of our own side merely demonstrates how close we already are to a paroxysm of self-destruction.

We are waiting for Fort Sumter.

I hope it doesn't come.

Meanwhile, however, there is this novel, in which I try to show characters who struggle to keep from falling into the insanity -- yet who also try to prevent other people's insanity from destroying America. This book is fiction. It is entertainment. I do not believe a new American civil war is inevitable; and if it did happen, I do not believe it would necessarily take the form I show in this book, politically or militarily. Since the war depicted in these pages has not happened, I am certainly not declaring either side in our polarized public life guilty of causing it. I only say that for the purposes of this story, we have this set of causes; in the real world, if we should ever be so stupid as to allow a civil war to happen again, we would obviously have a different set of specific causes.

We live in a time when people like me, who do not wish to choose either camp's ridiculous, inconsistent, unrelated ideology, are being forced to choose -- and to take one whole absurd package or the other.

We live in a time when moderates are treated worse than extremists, being punished as if they were more fanatical than the actual fanatics.

We live in a time when lies are preferred to the truth and truths are called lies, when opponents are assumed to have the worst conceivable motives and treated accordingly, and when we reach immediately for coercion without even bothering to find out what those who disagree with us are actually saying.

In short, we are creating for ourselves a new dark age -- the darkness of blinders we voluntarily wear, and which, if we do not take them off and see each other as human beings with legitimate, virtuous concerns, will lead us to tragedies whose cost we will bear for generations.

Or, maybe, we can just calm down and stop thinking that our own ideas are so precious that we must never give an inch to accommodate the heartfelt beliefs of others.

How can we accomplish that? It begins by scorning the voices of extremism from the camp we are aligned with. Democrats and Republicans must renounce the screamers and haters from their own side instead of continuing to embrace them and denouncing only the screamers from the opposing camp. We must moderate ourselves instead of insisting on moderating the other guy while keeping our own fanaticism alive.

In the long run, the great mass of people who simply want to get on with their livescan shape a peaceful future. But it requires that they actively pursue moderation and reject extremism on every side, and not just on one. Because it is precisely those ordinary people, who don't even care all that much about the issues, who will end up suffering the most from any conflict that might arise.

Source: http://www.hatrack.com/osc/articles/empire_afterword.shtml