Sweet (Un)Satisfaction

Mistaken

Today I got exactly what I wanted, though it wasn't at all what I asked for. I paid for it, both with a great deal of emotional anxiety and a (relatively) hefty chunk of change. This two-for-one could finally be my ultimate motivator, and may even go some way towards teaching me impulse control. The experience itself turned out to be pretty fun, and it is (thankfully) not likely to be repeated. It's also possible that I will finally have broken my decades-long M.O. of asking a guy out and afterwards having him never speak to me again - or at least have found the exception to that rule.

It's not often that you can definitively pinpoint the end of an infatuation - I hate them while I'm in them (because they make me such a crazy person) and it's still a little sad when they're over; probably because the adrenalin and loopiness contribute to the feeling of being "alive". I suppose that's a small part of what being in love is like - I assume love is much better, though, having two willing participants. It's a relief, being done - I may be my mother's "most dramatic daughter" (per brother number 3, sorry sis - I know you were pitching for the title) but I do not enjoy being crazy wacko person.

So even though nothing turned out the way I expected, I am deeply, sincerely grateful. It's like figuring out how to breathe again after a year spent under water. Also, I paid off a credit card. All in all, a successful day!

* * * * *

I want to talk about Glee. If you haven't seen the Madonna episode and are planning to don't read this until afterwards - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Ok. So. I enjoyed the episode. I always have a good time with the music, and I like the caricatures they're playing with. I regard the whole experience as social satire, not as any kind of accurate representation of high school or glee clubs or life in general. That said, I'm a little surprised by some of the responses I've seen to the last episode, and I'm wondering if everybody else just didn't get it, or if my moral compass is really really off-center. I'm talking, of course, about the plotline dealing with sex.

Context: You've got the entire Madonna catalogue. Can you honestly say you're surprised they chose to use "Like A Virgin"? And having chosen one of Madonna's biggest, most iconic hits (which is to make no determination whether or not I personally like the song) how can you be shocked that the song will be used during a subplot (SUBPLOT! NOT MAIN PLOT) about sex? Characters in the episode made it repeatedly clear that Madonna's music represented being independent and powerful, making and owning choices, and re-inventing oneself. Nowhere was it stated, either covertly or overtly, that it's all right and/or expected for a person to sleep with whomever they happen to meet. (Two girls state that they "never say no", but they are also cast as bimbos/villians, and have never been presented as characters with whom we, the audience, are expected to sympathize.) The sex subplot involves three couples who all state their intention to have sex. However, after singing "Like a Virgin", the fallout is not "Sex is great! Be promiscuous!" it's: 1) didn't happen, not ready, don't want to do this for the wrong reasons, 2) didn't happen, fix problems first and don't expect sex to fix them for you, and 3) happened, but was meaningless and unenjoyable because their was no emotional connection for the participants. For two of the couples, the guy was also shown as supportive when the girl changed her mind about having sex. For mainstream TV, these seem like pretty radical (and positive) conclusions.

Am I nuts? I don't mind discussions about sex, especially when they are apropos and include messages like "don't do it if you're not ready, or just because someone else wants you to, or because you think it will fix or change something, or to make another person jealous. Make your own decisions - take charge of your life and your body, and be supportive and respectful of the decisions others make." There is no reference to any kind of religious aspect of the discussion - but again, it's mainstream TV. I'm not sure that anyone could legitimately expect there would be. I believe that sex should wait until marriage, and I'm not watching prime-time television shows with the expectation that anyone on them will agree with me. I do appreciate the empowering, counter-culture messages that are sometimes sent - I realize that in today's world, those messages may be the closest thing to moral instruction that much of society will receive.

And since depictions of sex (or, in this case, intent to have sex) are counter to the beliefs and standards of many people, I am not recommending that anyone go and watch Glee, or trying to change anyone's mind. I'm just a little baffled that lots of people seem to be getting such different messages than the ones that are coming across to me. No offense intended - but if we can't talk about things, how are we ever supposed to learn?

Things I Learned While I Should Have Been Doing Something Else

I read a book today.

Yes, I know, if you've met me you are not surprised. It's notable, though, in that I started writing down sentences and quotes that jumped out at me while I read. I then discovered a few things once I finished the book. For the sharing:

* '... Maybe there's nothing fundamentally wrong with me. Maybe I've just been making appalling choices.'

* '...The thing to remember about bad luck is that it always runs out.'

* "Try harder, fail better." - Samuel Beckett

* '...When the universe sends you something awful, the converse is only around the corner.'

See: CHEMICALIZATION

* "I'm not needy, but I do require the reassurance of constant attention."

* '... Life is not designed for us to go through alone, you're supposed to have a partner."

These things all struck one chord or another with me, and those chords are probably fairly obvious to you, the audience. The following may not seem so obvious, but the items below are the things I actually learned/realized after reading the book.

* You will achieve the thing on which you focus.

* A person can rarely focus on more than one thing at a time. Since most things a person wants deeply are pretty "big", and there are usually more than one of them, smaller, specific goals that lead to a "big" desire are vital.

* Know thyself. And if you don't, and you ask the people around you to help you get to know yourself, PAY ATTENTION.

* There is a right way to write a story. A book without an ending is a huge cop-out, and will in no way please your readers.

* I am a magpie. I talk too much, and I am too easily distracted (insert "shiny" joke here. I just spent 15 minutes thinking up and discarding several - see above).

* I am also obsessive-impulsive (or, impulsive-obsessive). Anyone who's seen me in action knows what I'm talking about.

* An impulsive-obsessive magpie is not the most productive of creatures. These tendencies must be fought, and conquered, if I am going to be able to truly focus on the things I wish to achieve.

* I got a lot out of the book, and found a little self-actualization, but I still hate it because it doesn't end and it "twist"s and "spin"s in such a way that it tramples on its own premise. SLOPPY. (Try not to do that when you write a book.)

It's interesting (to me, anyway) that when I buckle down and attempt to focus and clean house and change things that are bugging me, I blog a lot more. Hmmm.

* * * * *

Maybe reading that book was what I was supposed to be doing after all.

A Gordian Knot

I have realized that I am simultaneously the luckiest AND the unluckiest person EVER. Someone loves me, which is unlucky, and someone else does not, which is lucky. I am grateful for the un-luck and sad about the luck, and conflicted by the disparity. I am a philosophical tangle. I feel a book coming on - possibly a movie deal.

I am so good that I can't get into trouble even when I try. It's a most disturbing talent.

ETA: SERIOUSLY. Argh!

Bonus: Trust Me

You want to watch this. You really, really do.

Pigeon: Impossible

Sunday Snippet

I realized today that I have either GOT to start taking better care of myself, or by any means possible stop wandering into such unflattering lighting. Oy.

* * * * *

Today's Sacrament Meeting was great, and I should have been taking notes but didn't. I'm just putting it out there - Terrific job on the meeting today, Universe! Keep up the good work!

Today's Sunday School class, on the other hand (coming into SARCASM FONT here) was on my favorite topic ever: Marriage. (And the object lesson was popcorn. Go figure. No, seriously - if you figure it out, let me know.) I made a comment early on, so as not to seem defensive or bitter, and then shut up as the young, earnest, well-intentioned (male) teacher proceeded to thoroughly ignore my demographic (i.e. single, defensive, and bitter).

There were definitely some interesting moments:

A class member - "Marriage laws evolved largely to protect women. Men, historically, have not been all that good at sticking with one relationship. It's like that bacon-and-eggs thing: the chicken is invested, but the pig is fully committed." I'm... pretty sure all the women in the room were just compared to pigs. Interesting.

After a rambling, off-topic comment about one class member's deceased wife (bless him), the teacher responded with: "You guys'll make it! She's up there waiting for you in the CK!" I had sudden visions of Beverly Hills: 90210 and One Tree Hill, for some reason. Super interesting.

A private comment from a friend (love her), passing along "wisdom" that had been shared with her: "Honey, I'm only married because the Lord knew I could make it on my own!" So, evidently, I'm single because the Lord already knew I could "make it" if I were married. Interestingly, I did not find this anecdote remotely comforting.

Craziness!

Hopefully, we'll get back to a little better spiritual perspective next time... meaning, I'll have to take more appropriate notes. Got it.

Nap time!

An Open Letter (That Is Not Likely To Be Read By The Pertinent Individuals)

So. Here it is.

Remember when I told you, oh, last summer, that I wouldn't be chasing after you, trying to pin you down anymore? That still applies. You're three-for-three on flaking out on invitations I've made to you that you've accepted, then blown off. I've moved a ways past "shame on me" status here - and I'm pretty sure that all your "we need to get together" and "I owe you a date" talk is just a lot of hot air. Texting does not a relationship (of any sort) make, and I never signed up to be your Lonely Hearts Cruise Director in the first place. (Oh, and recognizing to whom you are speaking AND spelling her name correctly - FAIL - are, oddly, important in a friendship. FYI.) As far as I can tell, we're not anything to each other anymore, so this is not a breakup. This is a me-growing-up (ha) and-removing-myself-from-whatever-outer-darkness place I have on your priority list. I'm not faulting you (much), it's your list - I'm faulting myself for realizing that "I don't believe you" feeling has been the hallmark of our interactions and for allowing pseudo-flirtation and empty promises to stand in place of real intent and action. My bad. I'm not heartbroken or anything - there are no country-music songs being written in my head this week - and we'll never actually have this conversation simply because I don't believe you've ever thought about any of this. You'll probably miss me, but you'll get over it - I know I'll miss you, but then, I've had a lot of practice.

Oh, and you, yes, you - the one over there sitting on your broken-legged Bar Stool of Superiority - GET OVER YOURSELF. Doing things in an accepted and established way is not food for scorn just because it wasn't your idea in the first place. Most people (that I've talked to, anyway) actually think it's a good policy to research a text (i.e., read it) and base a plan of action on that, rather than on the hazy vision floating around inside the heads of crazy persons. In a related note, I DO know how to read, and to listen and retain information - skills you seem to be seriously lacking. I get that you don't like me - I don't understand why you came to that conclusion, but hey, I can accept your decision. What I do not accept is your determination to condescend to and purposefully misunderstand me, to make accusations for which you have no basis, and to hold me responsible for situations over which I have no authority. Grow up. Make at least some attempt to act in the professional manner that your position requires. Communicate (effectively, please) even if you don't want to, and either OWN UP or SHUT UP. Please note that it is entirely likely that we will be having some version of this conversation in real life. Should be fun for everybody!

Talk about your falling turtles,

Cyd

P.S. Note to self: What is it with you and idiot guys? Get a grip, get some therapy, or both! Also, It's probably not the BEST idea to blog about these kinds of things late at night. Remember how we talked (at length) about impulse control? Try applying it, -K-?

P.P.S. Whatever, self. I'm on a roll. Better to hope that this translates to RL motivation and empowerment!

P.P.P.S. In the end, I got into grad school in London and will not have to deal with these people (others like them, no doubt, but not these specifically) for much longer. Win-win (for me).

P.P.P.P.S. Separate grad school post to follow!